Junk, Junk, and More Junk

I cannot help myself. . . I MUST satisfy this morbid curiosity that has always driven my spirit: I MUST scan the titles of junk emails I get that are not filtered out by the spam blocker before I banish them to the ozone forever, or at least until they concoct a new way to infiltrate the system.

A good portion of these are from debt management companies hawking their wares, offering their help to get me out of credit card debt: They will work with my creditors to reduce or even eliminate my finance charges and maybe even the amount of money I owe. In exchange, I only need to pay them a 45% administrative fee every month for the next 24 to 48 months. What a bargain!

I have a deep-seated suspicion that these companies are somehow, in some way, hiding under the giant umbrella of the banking industry, holding hands with the same financial institutions that gave out the damned credit cards in the first place. It is a tidy little process they have going on here:

• Give the customer a high line of credit and low APR to tease them in and tickle them for a few months with minimal or deferred finance charges.
• Hopefully the customer runs up the full line of credit either through purchases or balance transfers, and this will be a fair-sized amount. After the tickle period is over, poke them for a while with a slightly higher but still manageable rate. Poking is certainly not tickling, not painful but merely irritating. Most customers will shut up and pay.
• If the account balance goes higher or changes very little (more money going toward finance charges rather than balance due or some crisis occurred and the customer was forced to rely on the card for shit that does not really matter, like food), do a "periodic review" starting with running a credit report. Send the customer a notice stating that 1) We have done a periodic review of your account; 2) Your balance is high with our financial institution; 3) Your balance is high with other financial institutions; 4) You have had numerous inquiries into your credit rating (most people are unaware that every time an inquiry is made, it is noted on their credit report). All of these factors lower the customer's overall credit score, thus proving the customer is at "high risk" for bad debt and clearly violates the original contract the customer entered into when obtaining the line of credit, thereby justifying an increase in APR. This process occurs over a several-month period and takes a while, so you have to be patient. Ignore the fact that the customer has never been late in paying, just that they are in violation of the fine print of the contract requiring them to maintain a satisfactory credit history.
• Continue to do periodic reviews as often as necessary until the APR reaches the default rate (most institutions = approximately 30%), until the customer is unable to pay more than the minimum payment, covering only the finance charges plus 1% of the balance due as required by federal law. Deflect all pleas from the customer asking for a lower rate; they violated their contract, after all, and the reasons for not paying more than the minimum are not your fault but entirely their own. NEVER negotiate a lowered APR with the customer directly. NEVER.
• When the customer has finally passed the point of sink or swim and asks what to do to fix the situation, offer them the name of a credit counseling company, who will be more than happy to collect their information (and add yet another review stamp to their credit report) and see if they can assist in any way.

I also get a lot of crap telling me how I can lower my mortgage payment. I am still trying to figure out how THOSE came to be routed to me, since I have no mortgage payment to lower, do not want a mortgage payment PERIOD, and certainly would not use an Internet company (probably in cahoots with the fellas above) to be raped further in my financial hoo-hoo when my local bank would serve my needs much better if I ever did choose to go that route.

I got a cute one today, telling me to "stop being losing hair." How did they know my hair was falling out in great gobs? Somehow I don't think a magic cream or spray or whatever they are offering (I didn't open it up, of course, to find out) is going to help until after the medical condition causing the hair loss in the first place is corrected. delete delete delete....

My absolute favorite junk email, though, are the ones telling me they can help me with penis growth. I really do not need (or want) any help with that, since my husband, my physician, and most especially myself would be thoroughly confounded and absolutely disgusted if I suddenly sprouted and successfully added inches to my penis after 34 years of not having one.