Thoughts from Tim

Tim Allen, funny man:

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head and out the ears, nose, and other odd places.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Scientists have estimated that every person on Earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: Work or prison.

Thoughts from Archie

That was one funny guy, Archie Bunker--calling them as he saw them. Now, Archie said a lot of stuff he shouldn't have, but some of the stuff that did come out of his mouth made you laugh because of how blunt and real-world it was (and still is). The way he slaughtered words was my favorite though.

Entertainment is a thing of the past. Today we've got television.

I got nothing against mankind. It's people I can't stand.

I want you all to synchronize your tongues to silence.

If you liberals keep getting your way, we're all gonna hear one big loud flush. The sound of the U.S. of A goin' straight down the toilet.

There's nothing wrong with revenge. It's the best way to get even!

Like the Good Book says: "Let him who is without sin be the rolling stone."

Thoughts From Jules

Well, I'm a mushroom cloud-laying motherfucker, motherfucker.

Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.

Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.

ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces.

If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

I'll just walk the earth. . . You know, walk the earth, meet people. . . get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu."

Thoughts From Ross

H. Ross Perot, of course.

Now the average citizen can't relate to a billion or a trillion. A million dollars in thousand-dollar bills is a stack of 1000$ bills, four inches high. A billion dollars in 1000$ bills is 300 feet high. A trillion dollars in 1000$ bills extends from the top of [this] table to 63 miles out in space.

The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.

Your country is like your children. It's fundamentally important that you love them, but you need to work on any problems that come along.

We don't like government business. We don't do any business direct with the government. Because to the government a horse is an animal with four legs, a head, and a tail, whether it's a jack-ass or a race horse.

We've got a patient whose heart has stopped beating and has broken fingers and toes, and all the politicians want to talk about is the fingers and toes. I want to go straight to the heart.

When the history of junk bonds is written, I think the fist sentence should be, 'Junk bonds, by definition, were junk.

Thoughts From Tyler

Tyler Durden, that is.

Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who have ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. Goddammit, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man; no purpose or place. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war. Our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised by television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't; and we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

You are not your job. You are not the money in your bank account. You are not the car you drive. You are not how much money is in your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake! You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We are the all singing all dancing crap of the world.

The things you own end up owning you.