I Need to Get Out More

Had my visit to Cleveland Clinic today. Of course, hubby-man KNOWS how to get there, so I need not worry. "It's only a 3-hour drive, we don't need to leave the night before." This actually turned out to be a good thing, since I had sent him to get my records from the neurologist's office on Thursday and he got something else from my boss at work, which I realized at the last minute. Go figure.

Anyhow. Cleveland is not a 3-hour drive but a 6-hour drive by the time you factor in ROAD CONSTRUCTION on every Interstate and highway in Michigan.



I was late. Of course. But they still saw me, thankfully. More on that later.

I saw many interesting things today and made several very important observations:

• I need to go outside once in a while, or at least buy some bronzing lotion. I have a moon tan. Seriously. I am so dead-fish-belly white that the sun glaring off my arms was blinding other motorists. I was afraid I might kill someone with a brain hemorrhage and cause a 117-car pileup on the freeway, making traffic that much worse.
  
• People, places, and things look so much better in THREE dimensions than the two I look at 16+ hours a day, 7 days a week while chained to my desk, staring at a computer. It took me a while to adjust and focus on things and realize they were NOT attacking me just because they appear. . . well, round.
  
• Billboard messages are way out there: Auto financing at www.poopycredit.com. Talk about blunt. That is even more blunt than *I* would dare to be on a billboard, promoting a business, and I have a pretty large set of cohones. (Figuratively speaking. As you know, I have no cohones at all, or a penis, neither of which would be remedied by the enhancers advertised in my email box every day. Oh well.) Who thinks this stuff up? How many people pissed their pants laughing on their way into Flint on I-69?
• I saw several license plates that made me grin but only one that modestly disturbed me. Someone out there has an even more demented sense of humor than I do, clearly evident when they chose "LECH" as the identifier they wanted posted on the ass-end of their automobile. Do NOT park next to him in the parking lot - he might try looking up your skirt. People pay for these personalized plates, you know. I would have chosen something classy, like "JUGS" or "FMJWAPS" (fuck me jumping with a pogo stick).
• New cars are ugly. Not just ugly, but FUGLY - in size, shape, and color. And, they look like they are made entirely of plastic (greatly increasing my fear of the consequences of blinding other motorists). How do people survive collisions when they are not surrounded by classic Detroit Iron? But, Lawd, are they ugly.
  
• Kids love riding in cars until the temperature peaks at 100 degrees and there's no air conditioning.
• The Ohio Turnpike beats the Illinois Tollway any day of the week. Whoever created the Illinois Tollway is the Anti-Christ.

Anyhow, I have had an overwhelming day and need to re-adjust to a two-dimensional reality. My eyes feel like someone has gouged them out with plastic spoons, covered them with peanut butter (not Jif, of course), and stuck them back in their sockets upside down and backwards.