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Blogumulus by Roy Tanck and Amanda Fazani

June 29, 2008

Another Hmmmmm.........

My right arm weakness has progressed and regressed and progressed some more, each time leaving me with less function to the point where now my arm is basically useless. Trying to find some type of support or bracing system that would maintain my arm in a position to still be able to use my fingers (which are as yet unaffected, just the muscles in my shoulder girdle and upper arm) is pretty much impossible. I found one that was meandering down the lines of what I wanted, but of course would not provide me the functional ability I want to be able to sign (speak) to my husband and to work.

Hmmmmmm...... my sparks of creativity are being fanned, and maybe it's time for this dough-head to enter the "inventions" market, designing my own brace.....

June 23, 2008

OMFG I'm Gonna Leave a Damp Spot

I finally cussed my last at Firefox and banished it to the realm where IE has been for the past couple of years, since I first fell in love with the Fox. I have a new love now, and this one has me all creamy in my dreamy and whatnot- Opera. Not only am I able to quickly and easily download my shit I need to without fucking around with completely asinine "add-ons," I HAVE VOICE CONTROL.

How much better than that can you get? "Opera, Home." Up comes Google. "Opera, Mail." Holyfuckinshit, there's my email. "Opera, Page Down [or Up, Top, or whatever floats your boat]" and the god damn thing navigates around where you tell it to.

WTF was I thinking all this time, bowing down and kissing that dirty brown fox's ass? I am singing the Opera now, baby.

My Love Affair

My love affair with FireFox is over. I'm so pissed at FireFox right now, in fact, that I'm half tempted to remove it and all remnants of it from my computer.

Where things worked exactly like I wanted them to before, now nothing works right and sometimes does not even work at all. The thing that has me MOST pissed off, though, has to be the "Down-Them-All" add-on, which I use for downloading my work files. One click, and it's all done! Now the dirty bastard will NOT start the downloads and I have to click each and every link to start the download manually. I've had to resort to Flash Got, which works but is still a pain in the ass.

Oh, and this motherfucker keeps refreshing my screen every 12.4 seconds while I'm in Blogger, which is driving me up the wall.

I guess it's time to either uninstall and reinstall and if that does not work, uninstall and cut off its balls so it cannot reproduce on my computer.

There's always Opera......

June 18, 2008

For Better or Worse

I love when someone challenges me, presents me with different sides of an argument or issue and gives me something meaningful to mentally and philosophically grind on, something I did not have before to incorporate into my own beliefs system and/or opinions--especially when that someone happens to be a person whom I admire and deeply respect as I do Shannon.

In one of my recent rants, I went off half-cocked and more than a little pissed and, unfortunately, offended her. I will not apologize for my opinions, since they're mine and mine alone and I don't expect others to embrace them, only to respect them as being mine. However... because I failed to express myself adequately - too much going on all at once in my head and my fingers couldn't get it all out, much like a mush-mouth that can't speak fast enough to keep up with racing thoughts - and the lack of clarity with which I presented my opinion left it open for interpretation as offensive, I do apologize for that. I should have expounded on my statements and explained my feelings.

Shannon left an amazingly thought-provoking comment regarding that post:

As a 34 year old adult, it's easy for me to say that nobody could force or coerce me into anything but I'm not at all certain that confidence of self is easy to find in any 16 year old pregnant girl. Especially a 16 year old unwilling or unable to tell her own parents about the situation with the mother of her boyfriend so married to the idea of aborting that she forged a consent form. That's some pretty powerful persuasion in my opinion; no the mom didn't drive her there but it doesn't sound like she encouraged the girl to explore all of her options. Being able to have sex doesn't imbue with intelligence, obviously, but being 16 means by virtue of limited life experience the people who are advising you should actually have your best interest at heart. This was obviously not the case.

While I'm not sure what having the other mother in jail will solve, at the end of the day if it's all about responsibility then it would seem right that she should do the time for doing the crime.

I won't get into the logistics of what electing McCain could well do to a woman's right to choose, as in yes you're technically correct about his ability to ''pass a law'' but it's
no secret that any ruling effecting choice (or making it an issue of states rights) would come from the Supreme Court and we all know who appoints those judges.

And as a point of fact, without involving the Supreme Court, a law was passed banning so-called ''partial birth abortion'' (a medical procedure that doesn't actually exist, by the way) which effects not just a woman's right to choose to continue a pregnancy but effects the right of families to choose life or death for mothers with pregnancies that go horribly, horribly amiss. I cannot fathom anyone reading Cecily's story http://www.uppercasewoman.com/wastedbirthcontrol/losing_my_twins_or_how_i_became_the_internet_poster_girl_for_partial_birth_abortion/index.html) and speaking so easily of women who somehow need to take responsibility or the implied judgment of somehow learning a lesson by continuing an unwanted or worse, deadly, pregnancy.

Obviously, I am pro-choice but I am also apparently one of those you feel need to take responsibility because my first pregnancy was both unplanned and a complete surprise (pill + condom) which ended with my son dying after a month of intensive care. By your math, because in this ''birth control saturated society'', I am no brighter and am, in fact, just as ''stupid'' as the 16 year old. Months later, I was again pregnant after again practicing safe sex to a ridiculous degree KNOWING that any future children would meet the same end as our Jackson. The decision to not continue the pregnancy was taken from me when I mis-carried but there is no way in hell I would have continued that pregnancy knowing the end result would be another infected child, born only to suffer before succumbing as did his brother before him. To know that in your opinion my option had I not had a mis-carriage would be a wire hanger saddens me at a visceral level.



To which I respond, respectfully:

As a 35-year-old adult, I can reflect on myself as a 16-year-old with nearly 20 years of hindsight. At 16, at 18, at 21, and even now at 35, I was and continue to be a strong-willed individual with a solid beliefs system, not rigid and inflexible but resilient enough to be open-minded without fear of being easily swayed into complacency, compliance, and conformity. I equate that to "confidence of self" and it is part of what defines me as an individual. I knew then and continue to know now that the consequences of my silence, as I stated previously, would be far more grave than owning up to the reality of the current situation - not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. Anyone who does NOT know or understand this has been failed by those whose duty it was to teach them this and other invaluable life lessons.

Persuasion or not on the part of the boy's mother, some part of this girl WANTED that abortion, whether she acknowledges it or not - she may not even realize this and is likely having conflicting feelings about the pregnancy, the abortion, and every action and reaction occurring since - or she would not have gone to the lengths she did, seeking the forged consent and then using it. "Persuasion" was probably also a factor in her parents' actions against the other mother and yet one more set of circumstances this girl fell into and allowed herself to be swept away by.

I agree with you 100%, the woman who signed that form failed this girl in every way imaginable, but that was not what had me so pissed off at the time, and I stated as much. Although the girl was not her own daughter, this woman took on a modified role beyond that of "boyfriend's mother" the day her son impregnated the girl--and she had a responsibility not only to the girl but TO HER OWN SON to (as you perfectly worded it) "[encourage them] to explore all of [their] options." I also agree, sexual capabilities and intelligence have absolutely nothing to do with each other. In fact, I've witnessed situations where they were mutually exclusive: While working in an OB/GYN office, I encountered a 19-year-old patient in the midst of her 4th pregnancy who had no clue that sex caused her "condition," and obviously neither did her boyfriend - unless he did and was withholding that information from her, which to me is an act of malice.

No, having this woman in jail will solve nothing in the end. Judging by her actions, she seems the type of person willing to do anything to accomplish her own goals, no matter what the cost, an entirely selfish motivation and desire to manipulate others including her own child and another child under her care, and she will likely never change. She violated the law. She violated the children's trust. She violated the parent-child relationship within another family. She deserves more than just a year in jail, but unfortunately that is what she got. In no way was I defending her actions, because in reality I think she's even more stupid than the girl: She was manipulating people in order to satisfy her own needs and desires (the larger part of me seriously doubts her claim that it was in her son's interest so he could go to college, the case more likely being she wasn't "ready to be a grandma," while the girl was only manipulating people at the behest of her own parents).

As for the McCain discussion, I only pointed it out because of the literal terms it was presented on the message board: "If McCain does pass the law..." Too often I see the failings of the education system in action in general ignorance of how the government actually works. What you say is true about the Supreme Court and appointments of justices and the ramifications of their decisions for all of us--their interpretation of the "law" subjective based on their experiences, education, beliefs, and particularly politics, but that is just the icing on the cake in my argument that the law and lawmakers and lawyers need to be less consumptive of people's decision-making ability and less destructive of people's lives as a result.

I consider myself to be "pro-choice" as well, but I apply a different definition to this term than most do. By MY definition, pro-choice is not strictly tied to the abortion issue but in securing every individual's right to make their own choices, no matter what the topic of discussion. Each of us must make life-changing decisions and WE are the ones who must live with the consequences. Some faceless lawyer or panel of judges should never have the right to dictate those decisions to us, forcing us down a path of consequences we as individuals - not the judge - must live with, without having made that choice for ourselves. If I want to have an abortion or not, choose to vaccinate my children or not, send my children to a public school or not, wear my seat belt or not, smoke cigarettes or not, consume salt and grease and candy and caffeine or not - those decisions are mine to make and I am willing to live with the consequences, but they should not be made for me and I should not be forced to live with the costs when I had no part in choosing. In the ultimate decision-making process, we must each choose for ourselves:

Enter ye in by the narrow gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many be they that enter in thereby. --Matthew 7:13

No politician or judge can make that decision for me, and this is a driving power guiding me in every decision I must make; I don't need SCOTUS attempting to push me through what I believe is the wide gate, ya know?

Thank you for the link to Cecily's story. I did read through some of her posts and agree with some of her points but would also like to expand upon them with my own, colored with my own "pro-choice" standard, the most profound being this:

So it's easy to read my story and say, oh, yes, in case LIKE YOURS, abortion should be legal. But... when laws are passed that make it difficult for that teenage girl to get to exercise the right to control her own body--hey, I'm looking at you, Ms. Clinton, for not standing up harder against the parental notification laws--or for the professional woman to be able to fill a prescription, quietly, for RU486 at her local pharmacy so she can make her choice as well, or that harried mother to do the same thing--when those laws are passed, it's women like me that die. When you cut corners, you don't save babies lives. You kill women like me.

Let me say that again. When you compromise on abortion--when you sacrifice even the smallest corner of choice--you kill women like me. You create a culture of fear among doctors that puts lives like mine at risk.


There should be no abortion debate. There should be no compromise on abortion. There should be no concessions or sacrifices regarding choices and absolutely NEVER be a manipulation of the doctor-patient relationship by ANY branch of the government - from the legislature to the judicial system. A decision like this should be made strictly by a woman and her partner and her doctor. PERIOD.

While I do not generally agree with the practice of abortion (including "partial-birth abortion," which although is not medically classified as such - there is no CPT code for a procedure by that name - there is, in fact, a late-term abortion procedure to which this is referring, as Cecily stated in her post), I believe there are cases in which it is warranted - those "acceptable" cases, as she describes them. I have found myself exceptionally disgusted, seeing a young woman denied an abortion simply because she was a Medicaid recipient, refused while at their expense, yet the state was willing to provide for prenatal care and delivery and "heroic measures" made in an effort to save a severely deformed infant (who would be the recipient of intensive, aggressive, EXPENSIVE medical care FOR LIFE) as well as the mother, whose life was jeopardized by continuing the pregnancy and carrying to term, let alone trying to deliver - a cost of potentially hundreds of thousands of "taxpayer dollars" versus a couple of hundred and at immense emotional distress to the woman. For what reason? Policy. Dictated by politicians. Enforced by the courts. Consequences of which lived with by the patient. It's not a conversation I take lightly by any means, and the point I was trying to make was not at all about "somehow learning a lesson by continuing an unwanted or worse, deadly, pregnancy."

As for you and your situation, I must mention that I have been reading your blog for a while and am aware of your circumstances only insofar as you have chosen to share them with [us] me. I must at this point, as politely as I can, tell you that you have taken out of context my "responsibility versus birth control" argument and applied it to a completely different situation. Apples and oranges and all that. I stated, "She got knocked up. It happens." It DOES happen, and I think few would argue that point. However, I was not implying her stupidity factor as being related to her failure to use (or lack of efficacy of) birth control methods and her resultant pregnancy, but to her willingness to kowtow first to her boyfriend's mother in having the abortion and subsequent willingness to go along with bringing charges against her, claiming she was "coerced." Maybe she was and maybe she wasn't forced (she was definitely poorly counseled, as you pointed out). I don't know, I wasn't there; but again, a part of this girl must have wanted the abortion or she would not have done it, nor would she have gone to the lengths she did to have it done in the first place, then aggravating the situation by casting blame elsewhere. AGAIN, maybe she didn't understand her feelings and desire to terminate her pregnancy and didn't know how to deal with the emotions that followed. The point is, she is stupid in that she seems to lack ability to think for herself, doing what everyone else tells her to do.

You, Shannon, are nothing like this girl. "By [my] math," you were exercising birth control and got pregnant. It happens. No method of birth control (other than abstinence) is 100% effective. You were being responsible in your actions to try to prevent pregnancy, yet when it happened you stepped up and accepted it, courageously by what I gather, so there is no correlation between you and this girl whatsoever. With your next pregnancy, you continued to act responsibly, prior to, during, and after the fact. You were faced with a decision that I honestly cannot say how I myself would have reacted, but I understand and respect your (as a mother, I will say NEED) need, wanting to spare your baby the same fate as his brother. I applaud your ability to do this in a capacity that seems (to me) compassionate and caring and MOTHERLY. There is no way stupidity would enter into a reckoning of you and your actions - EVER - and nowhere in my reading of what you have posted have I ever gleaned any inkling that you laid the blame for your situation at anyone else's doorstep.

Finally, as to the wire hanger, I feel you have misconstrued (due to my lack of clarification) my objection to the original comment in this regard. First, I was appalled that someone would believe that women would need to "resort" to anything, particularly something as vile as a coat-hanger abortion (as a result of a decision forced upon them by bureaucrats who have no one's welfare in mind besides their own) when there ARE other options available, even in the event that abortion were illegal, if one is resourceful enough to seek them out. With that in mind, if a woman is ignorant enough to "resort" (I hate the context in which that was used, and I generally just don't like that word anyhow, it implies weakness) to just lying down and accepting mandates from the dictators, without seeking other alternatives or just standing up for her right to be a cognizant human being, then she gets what she deserves. I know it's harsh, it's cynical, it's probably even an ugly way to think, but if we don't stand up for our own rights, who will do it for us? Where we have allowed ourselves to be led as a society saddens ME on a visceral level.

Thank you, Shannon, for inspiring me to think deeper on this subject, for your comment, and above all for your willingness to challenge my opinions and thereby giving me a chance to grow in my beliefs.

June 16, 2008

Oh, Look - Another Buzzard Circling

Some of the stories in the news lately have had me craning my head toward the sky, seeking the source of the shadow swooping 'round and 'round over the carcass of the once-great late United States of America.

More often than not, the base depravity of the so-called "human beings" occupying the cozy chunk of real estate on the third rock from the sun is made even more glaringly obvious by those whose actions are invoked in hundreds of news articles circulated around the globe. Reflection on what they have done to warrant their 2-inch column (or equivalent) in the multitude of news services, coupled with acknowledgment that these. . . piles of walking, talking feces. . . biologically spring from the same genetic material as me, curdles my soul and makes me wish I were a cockroach rather than a human. They make me realize that we, as a society, are little better than termites burrowing into the unprotected foundations of our own "humanity."

It's only a matter of time before the exterminator shows up.

Man Shot Dead While Stomping Toddler to Death
This human stain deserved not a quick death via bullet to the brain but a mad and frenzied stomping into a mass of flesh incapable of being identified visually - by the very police officers and the crowd forced to witness the brutal slaying of a baby that certainly did not ask to be born to such a pile of shit. He deserved to get back exactly what he gave out. On one hand, I applaud the officer who had the courage to end this monstrosity's rampage and snub out any future attempts he might have made on subverting civilization, knowing that had he gone to trial he would have claimed "mental illness" and gotten off with a slap on the wrist. On the other hand, though, part of me wishes the crowd had done exactly that right back to him, said officer looking the other way and whistling as someone hosed his brains off the concrete the next day.

Mother and Girlfriend Torture 5-year-old Boy
This is yet another FINE example of the walking, talking piles of feces walking the planet, a true piece of shit who chose to spread her legs and breed without consideration of what kind of responsibilities parenting might entail - besides cruising to the bank to cash the welfare check. This bitch needs to be burned with cigarettes all over her body, including her genitals, and have her hands held onto a hot stove until her fingers curl into useless lumps of flesh and then be suspended from a doorway, leaving her there to ultimately suffocate much like those crucified in Biblical times.

Trip Chaperone Sued in Student's Death
This one just pisses me off on general principal. We're that fucking sue-happy in this country, that the parents of an 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL sue and WIN a nearly $700,000 judgment against another parent because their daughter - their 18-YEAR-OLD ADULT-AGE DAUGHTER (who gives a shit she was still in high school, she was NOT a minor, not a child, and therefore under the law responsible for her own actions) - whom they obviously did not teach proper life lessons to, including PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY - became drunk and fell off a balcony to her death? I'm sad that the girl died, but I'm SICKENED by the fact that her parents successfully sued someone who took their child in good faith to a function at which the "child" refused to abide by the rules, and who gets punished? Not the perpetrator. Not the parents whose parenting skills are dubious at best.

No, it doesn't work that way in America, does it? We're not responsible for our own actions, someone else is responsible for them. Only thing is, how long until the other shoe drops and we have to suck it up (or take a backhoe through the sphincter) when the tables are turned?

June 11, 2008

Stupid People and Abortion

I can't help myself from going over to the ABC News website and particularly the comments sections of controversial articles, even after the last bout of stupidity shown by some of the members (not to mention the moderator or whoever it is that manipulates.... I mean, MANAGES these posts).

Not long ago I felt guilty, of what I'm not exactly sure, but kind of like I was rubbernecking at a fatal car wreck. Now I realize that I am witnessing not an automobile collision but bona fide train wreck: The United States of America. More on that later.

So, I'm reading this article about a woman who forged a consent form for his son's 16-year-old girlfriend to get an abortion and was sentenced to a year, but what she did in and of itself is not what got me on my soapbox tonight. I could really give a shit less that she did something so ignorant (I do think it took one HUGE set of balls - if there's one lesson we should have learned from so many of our Congressional and Presidential leaders over the past few decades, it would have to be NEVER PUT IT IN WRITING!) or even that she violated the parent-child relationship of another family.

No, what bothers me is this:

  • The woman did NOT accompany the girl to the clinic to have the abortion, merely (illegally) signed a statement that she was the girl's mother and knew the girl was having it done. Interestingly, though, she has been accused of "coercing" the girl into having the abortion done against her will. Mysteriously, I find no mention of her forcibly dragging the girl to the clinic and, in fact, was proven by evidence at trial not to have even been present.
  • The girl is being presented as terribly aggrieved, coerced into doing something she did not want to do. If she didn't want the abortion, why did she go, especially considering the fact that the one "coercing" her was not even there to make sure it was done? If she didn't want the abortion, why did she go so far as to obtain an illegal consent from her boyfriend's mother? If she didn't want the abortion, why didn't she tell her parents she was pregnant and being forced to do something that is just OBVIOUSLY so against her moral fiber BEFORE having it done, when it could have made a difference, instead of waiting to tell them a month after the fact?
Then, of course, we get to my favorite part: The comments board. I think I find it so fascinating because where else in the world will you find such blatant stupidity intermixed with interesting little nuggets of wisdom. Part of me, though, still finds it shocking that this stupidity is so proudly offered up in black and white, for the entire world to see. This one in particular, though, was by far my favorite:
I do not know how the mother of the daughter played a role in this, but there are many daughters who feel they cannot speak to their own parents especially on situations like this. I believe if a girl is old enough to have sex she is old enough to make her own decisions. All teenagers make mistakes so I am 100% pro-choice, and the girl would not have had a great oppurtinity to really explore her life. Teenager mothers are more likely to drop out of high school and not complete college. The settlers came to America for freedom so why should our government oppress women like this. If McCain does pass the law where abortion is illegial women will resort back to using clothes hangers and could more then likely bleed to death. I am proud of this mother for doing this, and she has given the young girl a chance to live her life.
She got knocked up. It happens. It's not like our society's not SATURATED with information about birth control (argued on the message boards because it's not 100% effective, even though they persist in "forgetting" that there is, in fact, one form of birth control that is 100% effective: Abstinence. Don't spread your legs, don't stick your member where it doesn't need to be, and you won't get pregnant - 100 PERCENT OF THE TIME. Just like the premise "ignorance of the law is no excuse," ignorance and/or failing to educate yourself (or your children) about the consequences of their actions is no excuse. Have sex = Get pregnant (or diseased, again, a story for another time). My position: This girl is just plain stupid, and she tried to cover her stupidity (proof she's a politician-in-waiting) with more stupidity and assigning the blame to someone else.

As for not wanting to talk to her parents, if *I* were being forced into doing something like this and I didn't want it, short of hog-tying and gagging me, throwing me in a lake with a cement block attached to my leg, you can bet your ass I'd be crowing from every rooftop, knowing the consequences for my silence would be far worse than those of what got me there in the first place.

How can someone be 100% Pro-Choice just because "all teenagers make mistakes"? What the FUCK does that have to do with not accepting responsibility for your actions and dealing with your guilt in a manner that does little more than punish a third party for your choices? This woman sitting in jail will NOT alleviate the girl's guilt feelings and now, by her own and her parent's actions, she has probably lost the support of her boyfriend - the father of the baby - who will have his own grief issues at the loss of his child, compounded by the betrayal by his girlfriend. Allowing teenagers to have an abortion because they "made a mistake" does not instill in them a sense of responsibility. It only opens the door to a lifelong commitment to lack of personal responsibility. "I fucked up, I want a do-over." Since when does "REAL" life allow do-overs?

"The settlers came to America for freedom so why should our government oppress women like this." Where the hell did that come from? How is the government oppressing women like "this"? Like what? Why should the Nazifems oppress MEN like this, "this" being stripping from the man, without whom that child and hence the woman's "right" to choose would never have existed, any "right" to have a say in what happens to HIS child?

Finally, my favoritest part of all, "If McCain does pass the law where abortion is illegial women will resort back to using clothes hangers and could more then likely bleed to death." First of all, McCain can't "pass" any law without it having first been approved by the Congress and presented to him to pass it. Why are so many people SO FUCKING STUPID when it comes to the workings of the government? Why are so people SO FUCKING STUPID that they need to start looking for a scapegoat before there's anything concrete to hang on the goat's head before sending him off into the wilderness? Why are people SO FUCKING STUPID that they feel they can't accept responsibility for their choices and actions that they will have to "resort" to anything?

If women can't accept responsibility for their actions and decisions and use good judgement, I say LET them "resort back to using clothes hangers." Let them bleed to death. It's just one less stupid, useless person consuming valuable oxygen.

June 8, 2008

I Always Knew..... (Part II)

One of my spewings on another journal:

When I grow up, I'm going to be a doctor, and I'm going to take only cases of people written off as hypochondriacs, nutcases, or malingerers. I'm going to stir vigorously to see if that's really fruit lurking at the bottom of the yogurt cup. . . or a rat turd in disguise. I'll start by taking every minute detail of their histories, right down to the last sniffle, cough and wheeze, when and where and how and with whom they've inserted their various appendages or vice versa, and every medication (or miscellaneous object) ever stuffed into an orifice (or other route of entry). Then I'm going to think. . . . A lot. . . . I might even draw a flow chart, since I think they're cool. On a dry-erase board. With a lot of colored markers. I'll get to the root of the issue and find out if they really are whack jobs, hacks, or - GOOD GRIEF, HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? - someone who is actually sick but no one listens to because they're too busy looking at the hand extended for copayment.

I have a few theories about certain aspects of "modern medicine":

1. Many people in the profession don't have the balls to find and then present proof that someone is malingering, for fear of being sued. I, on the other hand, have HUGE balls, (metaphorically speaking). They are brass and I polish them regularly. I say, "Bring it on," knowing I will eventually drop their house of cards. Yes, it's a lot of work, but worth it in the end because it gives credence to and protects those who truly do suffer from whatever malady these boneheads have cooked up and pretend to have. Malingering is near the top of my list of evils perpetrated against society.

2. (This one makes a lot of people furious, but I can't help it, it's my opinion and mine alone and I don't ask you to share it, just respect me enough to listen to it, for mine eyes have seen WAY too much.) It is my position that 97% of so-called "mental illness" isn't illness at all and should NOT be treated as such. If it ain't organic (i.e., structural damage caused by defect or trauma, measurable biochemical response, etc.), then it ain't mental illness. There's an epidemic of "mental illness" in this country, with >25% of the adult US population diagnosed as mentally ill. People need to quit popping the psychocandy into their faces because all they're doing is altering their brains and intentionally creating that "biochemical response." The difference between illicit drugs (LSD, Ecstasy, meth) and legal psychiatric meds (including those shoveled into kids by the wheelbarrow for ADHD) is the method of production/packaging and who's pockets are being lined. They elicit virtually identical chemical responses in the brain, but Big Pharma's not getting their cut when dealers sell it cheaper.

3. Each person knows his or her own body better than anyone else ever could. After all, they're inside it every day and the best the rest of us can do is LOOK at it, maybe touch it. If it's not something obvious like a 12-inch gaping laceration or a gangrenous toe, we could miss it. If a person truly believes something is wrong, they're worth listening to.

This is the history of my favorite "hypothetical patient" (me) and analysis by my favorite "hypothetical medical practitioner" (also me, sans license and all) along with (paraphrased) responses from "actual hypothetical doctors."

1988: Epstein-Barr infection.

1990: "Idiopathic seizure disorder," petit mal seizures disappearing after a few months.

1992: Broadside auto accident with "minor trauma" to C-spine cord.

1994: Rollover auto accident with "minor trauma" to C-spine cord.

1995: Pernicious anemia after 5+ years of fatigue and sleeping spells diagnosed as everything from narcolepsy to CFS to stress of parenthood, begun on vitamin B12 injections (gradually going from working on a farm to being confined to a desk due to weakness and fatigue).

2002: "Idiopathic seizure disorder" revisited, grand mal seizures with alarming frequency and resistant to treatment but subsiding about a year later and not returning.

2003: Minor right arm and leg weakness pretty much ignored by everyone (myself included), felt related to C-spine.

2004: Progressively worsening but mostly irritating rather than havoc-wreaking right arm and leg weakness, MRI of the neck showing herniated disk and syringomyelia.

After that, it's all downhill. . .

August 2006: Sudden profound right arm and bilateral leg weakness, migrating to respiratory and facial muscles with lethargy, slurred speech, dysphagia, difficulty breathing, incontinence, spasticity, and immobility. Internist: "It's all in your head. You work too much, you have too much stress, and this job is giving you medical school-itis. Here's the name of a psychiatrist." "Are you listening? I want a neurologist, not a psychiatrist." "There's no indication for that." "That's nice, make the appointment anyhow."

November 2006: Neurologist: "Your brain MRI is clear. It's probably the syrinx. Here's the name of a neurosurgeon. Maybe it needs to be drained."

January 2007: Neurosurgeon: "You're faking. I can't help you. Go back to your doctor."

March 2007: "Look, I know there's something serious going on here and I need answers. I'm getting worse by the day and my kids feel like they're watching me die. I KNOW it's MS and I feel like I'm running in circles." Neurologist: "I doubt it's MS, since your MRI was clear. It could be muscular dystrophy or fibromyalgia. We'll do an EMG and send you to Cleveland Clinic."

June 2007: C.C. Specialist: "It's not muscular dystrophy. I suspect myasthenia gravis. Let's run some blood work and I want another MRI of your head and neck, and then you can follow up with your regular neurologist. She'll send you back here if needed."

July 2007: Sudden complete loss of vision in right eye. "It's optic neuritis. I've been telling doctor after doctor for months and months I believe it's MS but no one listens, and this is a cardinal sign." ER doctor: "Your CAT scan doesn't show anything acute and I don't see a reason on physical exam for your visual loss." "CT, especially without contrast, is not sensitive enough to pick up an MS plaque unless it's pretty damned BIG, so I don't know why you wasted my time doing it when you should have done an MRI. You're an asshole." "I'm sorry you feel that way, but as you know, I'm not a neurologist OR an ophthalmologist." Neurologist: "We'll get another MRI." "Fine, but I've also scheduled an appointment with an ophthalmologist on my own." "Good. Ask him to send me a report, and I'll give him a call." Ophthalmologist: "I see blurred disk margins on the right, which fits optic neuritis, and your latest MRI does show plaques consistent with demyelination, so you're probably right about the MS."

August 2007: Neurologist: "Yes, your MRI now shows plaques and when we compare your current study with the prior one, we can make out where some of these larger lesions were just beginning, but we need to run additional studies to confirm, visual evoked potentials and a lumbar puncture, before we can start you on medications."

November 2007: Neurologist: "Your lumbar puncture and VEP results were consistent with MS, so we can begin treatment."

My ON occurred in July with positive MRI findings but I was not given a "formal" diagnosis until November. I was denied any form of treatment those 5 months including for the acute episode and my symptoms continued to progress, relentlessly and more rapidly. I had no "remission." I had no "plateau." I had no "reversion to normal or near-normal function." I now live with permanent visual loss and hemiplegia. Had I been treated with a preventive such as Copaxone when I first suspected MS 16 months earlier, might some of my function and quality of life have been preserved? I believe it to be so. It seems wrong to force a patient to suffer "x" number of episodes or exhibit "x" number of lesions before allowing treatment. What about the 5% with MS who have a normal MRI scan? Do they just suck it up and live with the knowledge that they face possible permanent loss of function before they can get the treatment they need to try to slow their disease?

This is one of the things that turned me into an asshole: Knowing I had MS, told I was faking, written off as a psych case, ignored by those sworn to "first do no harm" yet led me to worsened disability by inaction. My nightmare is in the fact that it has happened before, diagnosed with pernicious anemia with critical levels but initially denied the therapy that ultimately saved my life because "we need to do more tests," leaving me with permanent CNS damage including neuropathy, possibly the seizure disorder, potentially even the MS that has claimed a portion of my life.

Over the course of 16 months, I deteriorated from an active mother of 6 working 120 hours a week to a bedridden lump. Other stressors heaped upon me during this time in a deliberate attempt to put me in a hole covered with 6 feet of dirt, by someone wanting to step into and take over the life I'd built for myself and my family, had me on the brink of emotional, spiritual, and physical collapse. Higher forces reached out and brought me back from the edge of that abyss, but I was drained and struggled through the next several months before finally being placed on Provigil, which has breathed new life into me and given me the strength to fight and win the battle against evil trying to destroy me. Again, why did I have to wait so long to get the medication I so desperately needed many months before? I have aspirations of becoming a physician assistant, and I will do everything I can to advocate for the best interests of my patients.

In the meantime, I read. Diseases like this were made for people like me, because we don't just lie down and accept it. I read everything I can and I think. I think about whether there is a correlation between some other event in my history, things that could have predisposed me to or triggered my eventual slide into MS. I've seen information about possible links between EBV and MS; for years my symptoms were routinely dismissed as "reactivation mono" when they could have, in fact, been early progression into MS. I've read about MS'ers often suffering from vitamin B deficiencies and wonder if mine is a factor (besides B12, I have B6 recently discovered). Could the trauma to my spinal cord that led to my syrinx also have triggered the development of lesions, spurring my immune system to attack?

I wonder.

I wonder.

I wonder.

I am seeking the answer, and I know that someday I will find it.

I Always Knew..... (Part I)

Diseases like multiple sclerosis (MS) were made for people like me.

Since I received my formal diagnosis in November of 2007 - 15+ months after the acute onset of profound right-sided upper and lower extremity weakness and debilitating fatigue that has not subsided since August of 2006 even after having gone into "remission," (full or partial recovery of "deficits acquired during the relapse") and 4 months after a bout of optic neuritis leaving me with residual near-blindness in my right eye, a constellation of symptoms that should have diagnosed me immediately but for "protocols" in the medical establishment - I have continued my search for answers. The question was never "Why me?" I already know the answer to that: Diseases like this were made for people like me. We don't give up. We find answers. We challenge the complacency and the COMPLICITY of an establishment that has willfully (and mayhap maliciously) chosen to relegate us to the annals of medical obscurity because it's not pandemic, it's not seminal, it's not a major-league hitter like diabetes or cancer, and worst of all.... it's not a money generator. It's a relatively rare condition that follows no predictable course and has no foregone outcome. At best, it's a curiosity, to be poked at with a bendy-straw from time to time because there's not enough money behind those doing the poking to buy a cattle prod.

I know I am not alone in my quest for answers:



You might ask, "What, exactly, IS the question to which I need an answer?" To be quite honest, I'm not really certain; but what started as a nebulous splotch in the middle of my psyche began spreading and finally coagulating, forming a scab to be picked at to make it start bleeding again.

I love to read. I read everything I can get my hands on (again, with the exception of romance novels.... good for nothing more than toilet paper or campfire starter). I love to think, reason, suggest and analyze and reject and counter-suggest, arguing with myself in a way.

I was begun on Copaxone in November of 2007, after I finally got my hard-fought diagnosis. It was so hard because I couldn't get anyone to listen. I was told I was stressed, it was all in my head, I needed a psychiatrist. I was told I was faking. I was told it was bad karma. My own persistence, my internal drive to not lie down and accept candy-coated bullshit at the price of $20 a whack (my office visit co-pay), my frank will to prove I was neither a nutcase nor a malingerer, and above all my maternal instinct, would not allow me to stop seeking the answers I needed and, in the process, finding out what the actual question is.

Deep Thought: I think the problem such as it was, was too broadly based. You never actually stated what the question was.
Now, I certainly don't intend to ponder 7-1/2 million years to get my answer (I don't think it's 42), and I most definitely will not be waiting another 8 million years to find out the actual question. Much like Ms. Elaine, I will be picking at that scab, lest it heal over and fall off, to be forgotten with nothing more than a tiny scar.

I am not a scar.

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