The Best Moments of My Life

I feel the need to share my funny labor stories (funny now, not so when they happened; good thing I have a hearty sense of humor). These should be in some kind of record book or something.

I would love to hear some of your great birthing stories, too, so bring 'em on!

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My OB has a great sense of humor and not afraid to show his human side, and that really came out the day my daughter was born. This was a scheduled induction, set for a Friday afternoon so I could work on Monday (don't ask). As we were walking out the door to go, the phone rang. It was the hospital, telling me I could not have my baby today because the hospital was full and there was no room for me. I worked for this hospital, for pity sake, and I was pretty bent over the way this was conveyed to me, so I complained to my boss. The shit hit the fan and spattered far that day. My point: What if I had not been an employee, and how would this have made a non-employee patient feel (maybe like they were just not welcome)? What if I spontaneously went into labor? Where would you suggest I go? Oh, a competitor hospital, you say???

Anyhow, Monday morning I had my induction. They put me in that oh-so-modest child-birthing position (you know the one): Hubby-man on one side, patiently awaiting a baby; nurse on the other, gripping my hand (I really do not like people touching me and told her so, but I could have sworn she was being sucked up in a twister, my hand the only thing holding her here; it hurt more than the delivery and she spazzed when I tried to shake her off but held on like industrial-strength duct tape) and yelling "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH!" I calmly said, "I am pushing." Doc is sitting on his stool at the end of the table trying not to laugh (and not doing a very good job of it), then almost fell on the floor laughing when the nurse barked back "No, you're not!" Two non-pushes later, holy hell, there is a BABY! Gee. She later apologized (not for touching me but for going all rat terrier on me). "You didn't make any noise. I didn't think you were really pushing." Honestly, woman.

Then along came my boy. Around 7-1/2 months, I got whooping cough (yes, I had been vaccinated - do not let them fool you, they do not tell you that DTPs wear off after a few years *SCORE POINT FOR JO*). The constant body-wracking coughing and whooping (you really do make this sound, if you have never heard someone in the throes of an attack) eventually sent me into premature labor, so we rushed to the hospital. Hubby-man is driving 90 down M-52, not a cop in sight until we are nearly there. We finally see one going in the other direction and he just keeps right on going. (So much for the myth that cops will escort you in an emergency.) I get onto the unit, into a bed and hooked up to monitors. "Can I have some cough syrup?" "We have to ask doctor." "Can I have some ice chips?" "We have to ask doctor." Two hours later, still no ice and no cough syrup, but she did call him to let him know I was there and set in motion the process to try to stop the labor. An hour into this, I tried telling her my contractions were stronger but she never checked me, only checked her monitor. "Well, the monitor shows that your contractions are becoming less intense." As she walks away, I try to explain that this was probably due to the fact that the monitor had slid up under my tits because I WAS COUGHING and was not on my belly, so no wonder it looked like they were getting less intense! Another hour later I tell her, "I'm ready to have my baby NOW." "Oh, no, you must be mistaken." Yeah, like I don't know my own body after THREE DELIVERIES! Out she goes again. Stricken with yet another coughing attack I could not stop, out plops a baby right onto the bed, delivered all by my own-some (as in no nurse and no doctor yet because she never bothered to call him to come in because I was "mistaken"), hubby-man running around and screaming like a loon trying to get her attention.

This was not even the final kick in the head, though. I got bills! One from the doctor for the delivery and one from the hospital. I bumped into the doc in the hallway and told him there was no way I was paying, since I did my own damn delivery. He just chuckled and said, "Okay." I never got another bill from him for it. The hospital, on the other hand, refused to write it off even after I explained what happened and told them I would have been further ahead and gotten the same service for free had I just sat out in the parking lot. I saw the doc a couple months ago with my miscarriage and told him that next time, I was not coming INSIDE the hospital, I was just going to shit my kid out in the parking lot so the hospital did not charge me again. Of course, he told me not to do that, but just to deliver at home. I think I might try it.