It Was Only a Matter of Time

Working on potty issues with our 3-year-old daughter, who has actually been potty trained for the better part of the last 2 years but sometimes efuses to do her deed in the toilet. After all, it's much more fun to drop trou and pinch a loaf in the middle of the living room floor for all 4 of the younger kids to point and laugh at than to do it in the toilet, where no one can appreciate it for the masterpiece it is and it just gets flushed away. ALSO potty training our son, who just turned 2. He's a lovable, jolly little guy with a heart of gold, a total prince (at least until he hits puberty, if he's anything like other boys). He has that "special equipment" that little girls don't have and he's so proud of himself that he's learned to point and aim his gun, locked and loaded and ready for action. He shows off his potty prowess to the entire family and loves to pee for an audience. It's the applause he gets that floats his boat, after all. He pees everywhere: In the toilet, out the patio door, on the cat. When he's done, he shakes it off and puts it away and then laughs and claps, knowing he's done a good job by pissing everywhere but in his draws.

I knew it was only a matter of time, though, until my daughter decided she wanted to piss like a man instead of peeing like a girl, and I almost laughed myself into an aneurysm when I saw it happen. Fortunately my office chair was nowhere in the vicinity and was safe from my laughing so hard I would fall off and break it, and instead I just fell on the floor in a quivering heap of flesh. She lifted the lid, lifted the seat, stood on the step stool to position herself over the bowl, and tried to aim. Since she doesn't have the right equipment for the job, I just knew it would have been a mess like the ones I used to have to clean up in the men's room when I worked at the bar - you know, the ones those drunk fuckers make when they walk in the john and puke, shit, and piss all over the back of the toilet, on the floor, on the wall, in the sink, and anywhere else but IN THE BOWL. Now you know why I hate housework and married a man that had no choice but to stay home and be my "housewife" while I bring home the bacon. (Go ahead, call him my wife. It pisses him off. I do it all the time and it's pretty fun.)

Anyhow, I caught her in time and explained that she has to sit and pee like mommy and not pee like her brother. I've never seen that child look so disappointed. It's just not fair, you know, that boys can stand and pee and girls can't. Boys just don't deserve that privilege.

God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts.

"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...