Another Hmmmmm.........

My right arm weakness has progressed and regressed and progressed some more, each time leaving me with less function to the point where now my arm is basically useless. Trying to find some type of support or bracing system that would maintain my arm in a position to still be able to use my fingers (which are as yet unaffected, just the muscles in my shoulder girdle and upper arm) is pretty much impossible. I found one that was meandering down the lines of what I wanted, but of course would not provide me the functional ability I want to be able to sign (speak) to my husband and to work.

Hmmmmmm...... my sparks of creativity are being fanned, and maybe it's time for this dough-head to enter the "inventions" market, designing my own brace.....

OMFG I'm Gonna Leave a Damp Spot

I finally cussed my last at Firefox and banished it to the realm where IE has been for the past couple of years, since I first fell in love with the Fox. I have a new love now, and this one has me all creamy in my dreamy and whatnot- Opera. Not only am I able to quickly and easily download my shit I need to without fucking around with completely asinine "add-ons," I HAVE VOICE CONTROL.

How much better than that can you get? "Opera, Home." Up comes Google. "Opera, Mail." Holyfuckinshit, there's my email. "Opera, Page Down [or Up, Top, or whatever floats your boat]" and the god damn thing navigates around where you tell it to.

WTF was I thinking all this time, bowing down and kissing that dirty brown fox's ass? I am singing the Opera now, baby.

My Love Affair

My love affair with FireFox is over. I'm so pissed at FireFox right now, in fact, that I'm half tempted to remove it and all remnants of it from my computer.

Where things worked exactly like I wanted them to before, now nothing works right and sometimes does not even work at all. The thing that has me MOST pissed off, though, has to be the "Down-Them-All" add-on, which I use for downloading my work files. One click, and it's all done! Now the dirty bastard will NOT start the downloads and I have to click each and every link to start the download manually. I've had to resort to Flash Got, which works but is still a pain in the ass.

Oh, and this motherfucker keeps refreshing my screen every 12.4 seconds while I'm in Blogger, which is driving me up the wall.

I guess it's time to either uninstall and reinstall and if that does not work, uninstall and cut off its balls so it cannot reproduce on my computer.

There's always Opera......

For Better or Worse

I love when someone challenges me, presents me with different sides of an argument or issue and gives me something meaningful to mentally and philosophically grind on, something I did not have before to incorporate into my own beliefs system and/or opinions--especially when that someone happens to be a person whom I admire and deeply respect as I do Shannon.

In one of my recent rants, I went off half-cocked and more than a little pissed and, unfortunately, offended her. I will not apologize for my opinions, since they're mine and mine alone and I don't expect others to embrace them, only to respect them as being mine. However... because I failed to express myself adequately - too much going on all at once in my head and my fingers couldn't get it all out, much like a mush-mouth that can't speak fast enough to keep up with racing thoughts - and the lack of clarity with which I presented my opinion left it open for interpretation as offensive, I do apologize for that. I should have expounded on my statements and explained my feelings.

Shannon left an amazingly thought-provoking comment regarding that post:

As a 34 year old adult, it's easy for me to say that nobody could force or coerce me into anything but I'm not at all certain that confidence of self is easy to find in any 16 year old pregnant girl. Especially a 16 year old unwilling or unable to tell her own parents about the situation with the mother of her boyfriend so married to the idea of aborting that she forged a consent form. That's some pretty powerful persuasion in my opinion; no the mom didn't drive her there but it doesn't sound like she encouraged the girl to explore all of her options. Being able to have sex doesn't imbue with intelligence, obviously, but being 16 means by virtue of limited life experience the people who are advising you should actually have your best interest at heart. This was obviously not the case.

While I'm not sure what having the other mother in jail will solve, at the end of the day if it's all about responsibility then it would seem right that she should do the time for doing the crime.

I won't get into the logistics of what electing McCain could well do to a woman's right to choose, as in yes you're technically correct about his ability to ''pass a law'' but it's
no secret that any ruling effecting choice (or making it an issue of states rights) would come from the Supreme Court and we all know who appoints those judges.

And as a point of fact, without involving the Supreme Court, a law was passed banning so-called ''partial birth abortion'' (a medical procedure that doesn't actually exist, by the way) which effects not just a woman's right to choose to continue a pregnancy but effects the right of families to choose life or death for mothers with pregnancies that go horribly, horribly amiss. I cannot fathom anyone reading Cecily's story http://www.uppercasewoman.com/wastedbirthcontrol/losing_my_twins_or_how_i_became_the_internet_poster_girl_for_partial_birth_abortion/index.html) and speaking so easily of women who somehow need to take responsibility or the implied judgment of somehow learning a lesson by continuing an unwanted or worse, deadly, pregnancy.

Obviously, I am pro-choice but I am also apparently one of those you feel need to take responsibility because my first pregnancy was both unplanned and a complete surprise (pill + condom) which ended with my son dying after a month of intensive care. By your math, because in this ''birth control saturated society'', I am no brighter and am, in fact, just as ''stupid'' as the 16 year old. Months later, I was again pregnant after again practicing safe sex to a ridiculous degree KNOWING that any future children would meet the same end as our Jackson. The decision to not continue the pregnancy was taken from me when I mis-carried but there is no way in hell I would have continued that pregnancy knowing the end result would be another infected child, born only to suffer before succumbing as did his brother before him. To know that in your opinion my option had I not had a mis-carriage would be a wire hanger saddens me at a visceral level.

To which I respond, respectfully:

As a 35-year-old adult, I can reflect on myself as a 16-year-old with nearly 20 years of hindsight. At 16, at 18, at 21, and even now at 35, I was and continue to be a strong-willed individual with a solid beliefs system, not rigid and inflexible but resilient enough to be open-minded without fear of being easily swayed into complacency, compliance, and conformity. I equate that to "confidence of self" and it is part of what defines me as an individual. I knew then and continue to know now that the consequences of my silence, as I stated previously, would be far more grave than owning up to the reality of the current situation - not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. Anyone who does NOT know or understand this has been failed by those whose duty it was to teach them this and other invaluable life lessons.

Persuasion or not on the part of the boy's mother, some part of this girl WANTED that abortion, whether she acknowledges it or not - she may not even realize this and is likely having conflicting feelings about the pregnancy, the abortion, and every action and reaction occurring since - or she would not have gone to the lengths she did, seeking the forged consent and then using it. "Persuasion" was probably also a factor in her parents' actions against the other mother and yet one more set of circumstances this girl fell into and allowed herself to be swept away by.

I agree with you 100%, the woman who signed that form failed this girl in every way imaginable, but that was not what had me so pissed off at the time, and I stated as much. Although the girl was not her own daughter, this woman took on a modified role beyond that of "boyfriend's mother" the day her son impregnated the girl--and she had a responsibility not only to the girl but TO HER OWN SON to (as you perfectly worded it) "[encourage them] to explore all of [their] options." I also agree, sexual capabilities and intelligence have absolutely nothing to do with each other. In fact, I've witnessed situations where they were mutually exclusive: While working in an OB/GYN office, I encountered a 19-year-old patient in the midst of her 4th pregnancy who had no clue that sex caused her "condition," and obviously neither did her boyfriend - unless he did and was withholding that information from her, which to me is an act of malice.

No, having this woman in jail will solve nothing in the end. Judging by her actions, she seems the type of person willing to do anything to accomplish her own goals, no matter what the cost, an entirely selfish motivation and desire to manipulate others including her own child and another child under her care, and she will likely never change. She violated the law. She violated the children's trust. She violated the parent-child relationship within another family. She deserves more than just a year in jail, but unfortunately that is what she got. In no way was I defending her actions, because in reality I think she's even more stupid than the girl: She was manipulating people in order to satisfy her own needs and desires (the larger part of me seriously doubts her claim that it was in her son's interest so he could go to college, the case more likely being she wasn't "ready to be a grandma," while the girl was only manipulating people at the behest of her own parents).

As for the McCain discussion, I only pointed it out because of the literal terms it was presented on the message board: "If McCain does pass the law..." Too often I see the failings of the education system in action in general ignorance of how the government actually works. What you say is true about the Supreme Court and appointments of justices and the ramifications of their decisions for all of us--their interpretation of the "law" subjective based on their experiences, education, beliefs, and particularly politics, but that is just the icing on the cake in my argument that the law and lawmakers and lawyers need to be less consumptive of people's decision-making ability and less destructive of people's lives as a result.

I consider myself to be "pro-choice" as well, but I apply a different definition to this term than most do. By MY definition, pro-choice is not strictly tied to the abortion issue but in securing every individual's right to make their own choices, no matter what the topic of discussion. Each of us must make life-changing decisions and WE are the ones who must live with the consequences. Some faceless lawyer or panel of judges should never have the right to dictate those decisions to us, forcing us down a path of consequences we as individuals - not the judge - must live with, without having made that choice for ourselves. If I want to have an abortion or not, choose to vaccinate my children or not, send my children to a public school or not, wear my seat belt or not, smoke cigarettes or not, consume salt and grease and candy and caffeine or not - those decisions are mine to make and I am willing to live with the consequences, but they should not be made for me and I should not be forced to live with the costs when I had no part in choosing. In the ultimate decision-making process, we must each choose for ourselves:

Enter ye in by the narrow gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many be they that enter in thereby. --Matthew 7:13

No politician or judge can make that decision for me, and this is a driving power guiding me in every decision I must make; I don't need SCOTUS attempting to push me through what I believe is the wide gate, ya know?

Thank you for the link to Cecily's story. I did read through some of her posts and agree with some of her points but would also like to expand upon them with my own, colored with my own "pro-choice" standard, the most profound being this:

So it's easy to read my story and say, oh, yes, in case LIKE YOURS, abortion should be legal. But... when laws are passed that make it difficult for that teenage girl to get to exercise the right to control her own body--hey, I'm looking at you, Ms. Clinton, for not standing up harder against the parental notification laws--or for the professional woman to be able to fill a prescription, quietly, for RU486 at her local pharmacy so she can make her choice as well, or that harried mother to do the same thing--when those laws are passed, it's women like me that die. When you cut corners, you don't save babies lives. You kill women like me.

Let me say that again. When you compromise on abortion--when you sacrifice even the smallest corner of choice--you kill women like me. You create a culture of fear among doctors that puts lives like mine at risk.

There should be no abortion debate. There should be no compromise on abortion. There should be no concessions or sacrifices regarding choices and absolutely NEVER be a manipulation of the doctor-patient relationship by ANY branch of the government - from the legislature to the judicial system. A decision like this should be made strictly by a woman and her partner and her doctor. PERIOD.

While I do not generally agree with the practice of abortion (including "partial-birth abortion," which although is not medically classified as such - there is no CPT code for a procedure by that name - there is, in fact, a late-term abortion procedure to which this is referring, as Cecily stated in her post), I believe there are cases in which it is warranted - those "acceptable" cases, as she describes them. I have found myself exceptionally disgusted, seeing a young woman denied an abortion simply because she was a Medicaid recipient, refused while at their expense, yet the state was willing to provide for prenatal care and delivery and "heroic measures" made in an effort to save a severely deformed infant (who would be the recipient of intensive, aggressive, EXPENSIVE medical care FOR LIFE) as well as the mother, whose life was jeopardized by continuing the pregnancy and carrying to term, let alone trying to deliver - a cost of potentially hundreds of thousands of "taxpayer dollars" versus a couple of hundred and at immense emotional distress to the woman. For what reason? Policy. Dictated by politicians. Enforced by the courts. Consequences of which lived with by the patient. It's not a conversation I take lightly by any means, and the point I was trying to make was not at all about "somehow learning a lesson by continuing an unwanted or worse, deadly, pregnancy."

As for you and your situation, I must mention that I have been reading your blog for a while and am aware of your circumstances only insofar as you have chosen to share them with [us] me. I must at this point, as politely as I can, tell you that you have taken out of context my "responsibility versus birth control" argument and applied it to a completely different situation. Apples and oranges and all that. I stated, "She got knocked up. It happens." It DOES happen, and I think few would argue that point. However, I was not implying her stupidity factor as being related to her failure to use (or lack of efficacy of) birth control methods and her resultant pregnancy, but to her willingness to kowtow first to her boyfriend's mother in having the abortion and subsequent willingness to go along with bringing charges against her, claiming she was "coerced." Maybe she was and maybe she wasn't forced (she was definitely poorly counseled, as you pointed out). I don't know, I wasn't there; but again, a part of this girl must have wanted the abortion or she would not have done it, nor would she have gone to the lengths she did to have it done in the first place, then aggravating the situation by casting blame elsewhere. AGAIN, maybe she didn't understand her feelings and desire to terminate her pregnancy and didn't know how to deal with the emotions that followed. The point is, she is stupid in that she seems to lack ability to think for herself, doing what everyone else tells her to do.

You, Shannon, are nothing like this girl. "By [my] math," you were exercising birth control and got pregnant. It happens. No method of birth control (other than abstinence) is 100% effective. You were being responsible in your actions to try to prevent pregnancy, yet when it happened you stepped up and accepted it, courageously by what I gather, so there is no correlation between you and this girl whatsoever. With your next pregnancy, you continued to act responsibly, prior to, during, and after the fact. You were faced with a decision that I honestly cannot say how I myself would have reacted, but I understand and respect your (as a mother, I will say NEED) need, wanting to spare your baby the same fate as his brother. I applaud your ability to do this in a capacity that seems (to me) compassionate and caring and MOTHERLY. There is no way stupidity would enter into a reckoning of you and your actions - EVER - and nowhere in my reading of what you have posted have I ever gleaned any inkling that you laid the blame for your situation at anyone else's doorstep.

Finally, as to the wire hanger, I feel you have misconstrued (due to my lack of clarification) my objection to the original comment in this regard. First, I was appalled that someone would believe that women would need to "resort" to anything, particularly something as vile as a coat-hanger abortion (as a result of a decision forced upon them by bureaucrats who have no one's welfare in mind besides their own) when there ARE other options available, even in the event that abortion were illegal, if one is resourceful enough to seek them out. With that in mind, if a woman is ignorant enough to "resort" (I hate the context in which that was used, and I generally just don't like that word anyhow, it implies weakness) to just lying down and accepting mandates from the dictators, without seeking other alternatives or just standing up for her right to be a cognizant human being, then she gets what she deserves. I know it's harsh, it's cynical, it's probably even an ugly way to think, but if we don't stand up for our own rights, who will do it for us? Where we have allowed ourselves to be led as a society saddens ME on a visceral level.

Thank you, Shannon, for inspiring me to think deeper on this subject, for your comment, and above all for your willingness to challenge my opinions and thereby giving me a chance to grow in my beliefs.

Oh, Look - Another Buzzard Circling

Some of the stories in the news lately have had me craning my head toward the sky, seeking the source of the shadow swooping 'round and 'round over the carcass of the once-great late United States of America.

More often than not, the base depravity of the so-called "human beings" occupying the cozy chunk of real estate on the third rock from the sun is made even more glaringly obvious by those whose actions are invoked in hundreds of news articles circulated around the globe. Reflection on what they have done to warrant their 2-inch column (or equivalent) in the multitude of news services, coupled with acknowledgment that these. . . piles of walking, talking feces. . . biologically spring from the same genetic material as me, curdles my soul and makes me wish I were a cockroach rather than a human. They make me realize that we, as a society, are little better than termites burrowing into the unprotected foundations of our own "humanity."

It's only a matter of time before the exterminator shows up.

Man Shot Dead While Stomping Toddler to Death
This human stain deserved not a quick death via bullet to the brain but a mad and frenzied stomping into a mass of flesh incapable of being identified visually - by the very police officers and the crowd forced to witness the brutal slaying of a baby that certainly did not ask to be born to such a pile of shit. He deserved to get back exactly what he gave out. On one hand, I applaud the officer who had the courage to end this monstrosity's rampage and snub out any future attempts he might have made on subverting civilization, knowing that had he gone to trial he would have claimed "mental illness" and gotten off with a slap on the wrist. On the other hand, though, part of me wishes the crowd had done exactly that right back to him, said officer looking the other way and whistling as someone hosed his brains off the concrete the next day.

Mother and Girlfriend Torture 5-year-old Boy
This is yet another FINE example of the walking, talking piles of feces walking the planet, a true piece of shit who chose to spread her legs and breed without consideration of what kind of responsibilities parenting might entail - besides cruising to the bank to cash the welfare check. This bitch needs to be burned with cigarettes all over her body, including her genitals, and have her hands held onto a hot stove until her fingers curl into useless lumps of flesh and then be suspended from a doorway, leaving her there to ultimately suffocate much like those crucified in Biblical times.

Trip Chaperone Sued in Student's Death
This one just pisses me off on general principal. We're that fucking sue-happy in this country, that the parents of an 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL sue and WIN a nearly $700,000 judgment against another parent because their daughter - their 18-YEAR-OLD ADULT-AGE DAUGHTER (who gives a shit she was still in high school, she was NOT a minor, not a child, and therefore under the law responsible for her own actions) - whom they obviously did not teach proper life lessons to, including PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY - became drunk and fell off a balcony to her death? I'm sad that the girl died, but I'm SICKENED by the fact that her parents successfully sued someone who took their child in good faith to a function at which the "child" refused to abide by the rules, and who gets punished? Not the perpetrator. Not the parents whose parenting skills are dubious at best.

No, it doesn't work that way in America, does it? We're not responsible for our own actions, someone else is responsible for them. Only thing is, how long until the other shoe drops and we have to suck it up (or take a backhoe through the sphincter) when the tables are turned?

Stupid People and Abortion

I can't help myself from going over to the ABC News website and particularly the comments sections of controversial articles, even after the last bout of stupidity shown by some of the members (not to mention the moderator or whoever it is that manipulates.... I mean, MANAGES these posts).

Not long ago I felt guilty, of what I'm not exactly sure, but kind of like I was rubbernecking at a fatal car wreck. Now I realize that I am witnessing not an automobile collision but bona fide train wreck: The United States of America. More on that later.

So, I'm reading this article about a woman who forged a consent form for his son's 16-year-old girlfriend to get an abortion and was sentenced to a year, but what she did in and of itself is not what got me on my soapbox tonight. I could really give a shit less that she did something so ignorant (I do think it took one HUGE set of balls - if there's one lesson we should have learned from so many of our Congressional and Presidential leaders over the past few decades, it would have to be NEVER PUT IT IN WRITING!) or even that she violated the parent-child relationship of another family.

No, what bothers me is this:

• The woman did NOT accompany the girl to the clinic to have the abortion, merely (illegally) signed a statement that she was the girl's mother and knew the girl was having it done. Interestingly, though, she has been accused of "coercing" the girl into having the abortion done against her will. Mysteriously, I find no mention of her forcibly dragging the girl to the clinic and, in fact, was proven by evidence at trial not to have even been present.
  
• The girl is being presented as terribly aggrieved, coerced into doing something she did not want to do. If she didn't want the abortion, why did she go, especially considering the fact that the one "coercing" her was not even there to make sure it was done? If she didn't want the abortion, why did she go so far as to obtain an illegal consent from her boyfriend's mother? If she didn't want the abortion, why didn't she tell her parents she was pregnant and being forced to do something that is just OBVIOUSLY so against her moral fiber BEFORE having it done, when it could have made a difference, instead of waiting to tell them a month after the fact?

Then, of course, we get to my favorite part: The comments board. I think I find it so fascinating because where else in the world will you find such blatant stupidity intermixed with interesting little nuggets of wisdom. Part of me, though, still finds it shocking that this stupidity is so proudly offered up in black and white, for the entire world to see. This one in particular, though, was by far my favorite:

I do not know how the mother of the daughter played a role in this, but there are many daughters who feel they cannot speak to their own parents especially on situations like this. I believe if a girl is old enough to have sex she is old enough to make her own decisions. All teenagers make mistakes so I am 100% pro-choice, and the girl would not have had a great oppurtinity to really explore her life. Teenager mothers are more likely to drop out of high school and not complete college. The settlers came to America for freedom so why should our government oppress women like this. If McCain does pass the law where abortion is illegial women will resort back to using clothes hangers and could more then likely bleed to death. I am proud of this mother for doing this, and she has given the young girl a chance to live her life.

She got knocked up. It happens. It's not like our society's not SATURATED with information about birth control (argued on the message boards because it's not 100% effective, even though they persist in "forgetting" that there is, in fact, one form of birth control that is 100% effective: Abstinence. Don't spread your legs, don't stick your member where it doesn't need to be, and you won't get pregnant - 100 PERCENT OF THE TIME. Just like the premise "ignorance of the law is no excuse," ignorance and/or failing to educate yourself (or your children) about the consequences of their actions is no excuse. Have sex = Get pregnant (or diseased, again, a story for another time). My position: This girl is just plain stupid, and she tried to cover her stupidity (proof she's a politician-in-waiting) with more stupidity and assigning the blame to someone else.

As for not wanting to talk to her parents, if *I* were being forced into doing something like this and I didn't want it, short of hog-tying and gagging me, throwing me in a lake with a cement block attached to my leg, you can bet your ass I'd be crowing from every rooftop, knowing the consequences for my silence would be far worse than those of what got me there in the first place.

How can someone be 100% Pro-Choice just because "all teenagers make mistakes"? What the FUCK does that have to do with not accepting responsibility for your actions and dealing with your guilt in a manner that does little more than punish a third party for your choices? This woman sitting in jail will NOT alleviate the girl's guilt feelings and now, by her own and her parent's actions, she has probably lost the support of her boyfriend - the father of the baby - who will have his own grief issues at the loss of his child, compounded by the betrayal by his girlfriend. Allowing teenagers to have an abortion because they "made a mistake" does not instill in them a sense of responsibility. It only opens the door to a lifelong commitment to lack of personal responsibility. "I fucked up, I want a do-over." Since when does "REAL" life allow do-overs?

"The settlers came to America for freedom so why should our government oppress women like this." Where the hell did that come from? How is the government oppressing women like "this"? Like what? Why should the Nazifems oppress MEN like this, "this" being stripping from the man, without whom that child and hence the woman's "right" to choose would never have existed, any "right" to have a say in what happens to HIS child?

Finally, my favoritest part of all, "If McCain does pass the law where abortion is illegial women will resort back to using clothes hangers and could more then likely bleed to death." First of all, McCain can't "pass" any law without it having first been approved by the Congress and presented to him to pass it. Why are so many people SO FUCKING STUPID when it comes to the workings of the government? Why are so people SO FUCKING STUPID that they need to start looking for a scapegoat before there's anything concrete to hang on the goat's head before sending him off into the wilderness? Why are people SO FUCKING STUPID that they feel they can't accept responsibility for their choices and actions that they will have to "resort" to anything?

If women can't accept responsibility for their actions and decisions and use good judgement, I say LET them "resort back to using clothes hangers." Let them bleed to death. It's just one less stupid, useless person consuming valuable oxygen.

I Always Knew..... (Part II)

One of my spewings on another journal:

When I grow up, I'm going to be a doctor, and I'm going to take only cases of people written off as hypochondriacs, nutcases, or malingerers. I'm going to stir vigorously to see if that's really fruit lurking at the bottom of the yogurt cup. . . or a rat turd in disguise. I'll start by taking every minute detail of their histories, right down to the last sniffle, cough and wheeze, when and where and how and with whom they've inserted their various appendages or vice versa, and every medication (or miscellaneous object) ever stuffed into an orifice (or other route of entry). Then I'm going to think. . . . A lot. . . . I might even draw a flow chart, since I think they're cool. On a dry-erase board. With a lot of colored markers. I'll get to the root of the issue and find out if they really are whack jobs, hacks, or - GOOD GRIEF, HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? - someone who is actually sick but no one listens to because they're too busy looking at the hand extended for copayment.

I have a few theories about certain aspects of "modern medicine":

1. Many people in the profession don't have the balls to find and then present proof that someone is malingering, for fear of being sued. I, on the other hand, have HUGE balls, (metaphorically speaking). They are brass and I polish them regularly. I say, "Bring it on," knowing I will eventually drop their house of cards. Yes, it's a lot of work, but worth it in the end because it gives credence to and protects those who truly do suffer from whatever malady these boneheads have cooked up and pretend to have. Malingering is near the top of my list of evils perpetrated against society.

2. (This one makes a lot of people furious, but I can't help it, it's my opinion and mine alone and I don't ask you to share it, just respect me enough to listen to it, for mine eyes have seen WAY too much.) It is my position that 97% of so-called "mental illness" isn't illness at all and should NOT be treated as such. If it ain't organic (i.e., structural damage caused by defect or trauma, measurable biochemical response, etc.), then it ain't mental illness. There's an epidemic of "mental illness" in this country, with >25% of the adult US population diagnosed as mentally ill. People need to quit popping the psychocandy into their faces because all they're doing is altering their brains and intentionally creating that "biochemical response." The difference between illicit drugs (LSD, Ecstasy, meth) and legal psychiatric meds (including those shoveled into kids by the wheelbarrow for ADHD) is the method of production/packaging and who's pockets are being lined. They elicit virtually identical chemical responses in the brain, but Big Pharma's not getting their cut when dealers sell it cheaper.

3. Each person knows his or her own body better than anyone else ever could. After all, they're inside it every day and the best the rest of us can do is LOOK at it, maybe touch it. If it's not something obvious like a 12-inch gaping laceration or a gangrenous toe, we could miss it. If a person truly believes something is wrong, they're worth listening to.

This is the history of my favorite "hypothetical patient" (me) and analysis by my favorite "hypothetical medical practitioner" (also me, sans license and all) along with (paraphrased) responses from "actual hypothetical doctors."

1988: Epstein-Barr infection.

1990: "Idiopathic seizure disorder," petit mal seizures disappearing after a few months.

1992: Broadside auto accident with "minor trauma" to C-spine cord.

1994: Rollover auto accident with "minor trauma" to C-spine cord.

1995: Pernicious anemia after 5+ years of fatigue and sleeping spells diagnosed as everything from narcolepsy to CFS to stress of parenthood, begun on vitamin B12 injections (gradually going from working on a farm to being confined to a desk due to weakness and fatigue).

2002: "Idiopathic seizure disorder" revisited, grand mal seizures with alarming frequency and resistant to treatment but subsiding about a year later and not returning.

2003: Minor right arm and leg weakness pretty much ignored by everyone (myself included), felt related to C-spine.

2004: Progressively worsening but mostly irritating rather than havoc-wreaking right arm and leg weakness, MRI of the neck showing herniated disk and syringomyelia.

After that, it's all downhill. . .

August 2006: Sudden profound right arm and bilateral leg weakness, migrating to respiratory and facial muscles with lethargy, slurred speech, dysphagia, difficulty breathing, incontinence, spasticity, and immobility. Internist: "It's all in your head. You work too much, you have too much stress, and this job is giving you medical school-itis. Here's the name of a psychiatrist." "Are you listening? I want a neurologist, not a psychiatrist." "There's no indication for that." "That's nice, make the appointment anyhow."

November 2006: Neurologist: "Your brain MRI is clear. It's probably the syrinx. Here's the name of a neurosurgeon. Maybe it needs to be drained."

January 2007: Neurosurgeon: "You're faking. I can't help you. Go back to your doctor."

March 2007: "Look, I know there's something serious going on here and I need answers. I'm getting worse by the day and my kids feel like they're watching me die. I KNOW it's MS and I feel like I'm running in circles." Neurologist: "I doubt it's MS, since your MRI was clear. It could be muscular dystrophy or fibromyalgia. We'll do an EMG and send you to Cleveland Clinic."

June 2007: C.C. Specialist: "It's not muscular dystrophy. I suspect myasthenia gravis. Let's run some blood work and I want another MRI of your head and neck, and then you can follow up with your regular neurologist. She'll send you back here if needed."

July 2007: Sudden complete loss of vision in right eye. "It's optic neuritis. I've been telling doctor after doctor for months and months I believe it's MS but no one listens, and this is a cardinal sign." ER doctor: "Your CAT scan doesn't show anything acute and I don't see a reason on physical exam for your visual loss." "CT, especially without contrast, is not sensitive enough to pick up an MS plaque unless it's pretty damned BIG, so I don't know why you wasted my time doing it when you should have done an MRI. You're an asshole." "I'm sorry you feel that way, but as you know, I'm not a neurologist OR an ophthalmologist." Neurologist: "We'll get another MRI." "Fine, but I've also scheduled an appointment with an ophthalmologist on my own." "Good. Ask him to send me a report, and I'll give him a call." Ophthalmologist: "I see blurred disk margins on the right, which fits optic neuritis, and your latest MRI does show plaques consistent with demyelination, so you're probably right about the MS."

August 2007: Neurologist: "Yes, your MRI now shows plaques and when we compare your current study with the prior one, we can make out where some of these larger lesions were just beginning, but we need to run additional studies to confirm, visual evoked potentials and a lumbar puncture, before we can start you on medications."

November 2007: Neurologist: "Your lumbar puncture and VEP results were consistent with MS, so we can begin treatment."

My ON occurred in July with positive MRI findings but I was not given a "formal" diagnosis until November. I was denied any form of treatment those 5 months including for the acute episode and my symptoms continued to progress, relentlessly and more rapidly. I had no "remission." I had no "plateau." I had no "reversion to normal or near-normal function." I now live with permanent visual loss and hemiplegia. Had I been treated with a preventive such as Copaxone when I first suspected MS 16 months earlier, might some of my function and quality of life have been preserved? I believe it to be so. It seems wrong to force a patient to suffer "x" number of episodes or exhibit "x" number of lesions before allowing treatment. What about the 5% with MS who have a normal MRI scan? Do they just suck it up and live with the knowledge that they face possible permanent loss of function before they can get the treatment they need to try to slow their disease?

This is one of the things that turned me into an asshole: Knowing I had MS, told I was faking, written off as a psych case, ignored by those sworn to "first do no harm" yet led me to worsened disability by inaction. My nightmare is in the fact that it has happened before, diagnosed with pernicious anemia with critical levels but initially denied the therapy that ultimately saved my life because "we need to do more tests," leaving me with permanent CNS damage including neuropathy, possibly the seizure disorder, potentially even the MS that has claimed a portion of my life.

Over the course of 16 months, I deteriorated from an active mother of 6 working 120 hours a week to a bedridden lump. Other stressors heaped upon me during this time in a deliberate attempt to put me in a hole covered with 6 feet of dirt, by someone wanting to step into and take over the life I'd built for myself and my family, had me on the brink of emotional, spiritual, and physical collapse. Higher forces reached out and brought me back from the edge of that abyss, but I was drained and struggled through the next several months before finally being placed on Provigil, which has breathed new life into me and given me the strength to fight and win the battle against evil trying to destroy me. Again, why did I have to wait so long to get the medication I so desperately needed many months before? I have aspirations of becoming a physician assistant, and I will do everything I can to advocate for the best interests of my patients.

In the meantime, I read. Diseases like this were made for people like me, because we don't just lie down and accept it. I read everything I can and I think. I think about whether there is a correlation between some other event in my history, things that could have predisposed me to or triggered my eventual slide into MS. I've seen information about possible links between EBV and MS; for years my symptoms were routinely dismissed as "reactivation mono" when they could have, in fact, been early progression into MS. I've read about MS'ers often suffering from vitamin B deficiencies and wonder if mine is a factor (besides B12, I have B6 recently discovered). Could the trauma to my spinal cord that led to my syrinx also have triggered the development of lesions, spurring my immune system to attack?

I wonder.

I wonder.

I wonder.

I am seeking the answer, and I know that someday I will find it.

I Always Knew..... (Part I)

Diseases like multiple sclerosis (MS) were made for people like me.

Since I received my formal diagnosis in November of 2007 - 15+ months after the acute onset of profound right-sided upper and lower extremity weakness and debilitating fatigue that has not subsided since August of 2006 even after having gone into "remission," (full or partial recovery of "deficits acquired during the relapse") and 4 months after a bout of optic neuritis leaving me with residual near-blindness in my right eye, a constellation of symptoms that should have diagnosed me immediately but for "protocols" in the medical establishment - I have continued my search for answers. The question was never "Why me?" I already know the answer to that: Diseases like this were made for people like me. We don't give up. We find answers. We challenge the complacency and the COMPLICITY of an establishment that has willfully (and mayhap maliciously) chosen to relegate us to the annals of medical obscurity because it's not pandemic, it's not seminal, it's not a major-league hitter like diabetes or cancer, and worst of all.... it's not a money generator. It's a relatively rare condition that follows no predictable course and has no foregone outcome. At best, it's a curiosity, to be poked at with a bendy-straw from time to time because there's not enough money behind those doing the poking to buy a cattle prod.

I know I am not alone in my quest for answers:



You might ask, "What, exactly, IS the question to which I need an answer?" To be quite honest, I'm not really certain; but what started as a nebulous splotch in the middle of my psyche began spreading and finally coagulating, forming a scab to be picked at to make it start bleeding again.

I love to read. I read everything I can get my hands on (again, with the exception of romance novels.... good for nothing more than toilet paper or campfire starter). I love to think, reason, suggest and analyze and reject and counter-suggest, arguing with myself in a way.

I was begun on Copaxone in November of 2007, after I finally got my hard-fought diagnosis. It was so hard because I couldn't get anyone to listen. I was told I was stressed, it was all in my head, I needed a psychiatrist. I was told I was faking. I was told it was bad karma. My own persistence, my internal drive to not lie down and accept candy-coated bullshit at the price of $20 a whack (my office visit co-pay), my frank will to prove I was neither a nutcase nor a malingerer, and above all my maternal instinct, would not allow me to stop seeking the answers I needed and, in the process, finding out what the actual question is.

Deep Thought: I think the problem such as it was, was too broadly based. You never actually stated what the question was.

Now, I certainly don't intend to ponder 7-1/2 million years to get my answer (I don't think it's 42), and I most definitely will not be waiting another 8 million years to find out the actual question. Much like Ms. Elaine, I will be picking at that scab, lest it heal over and fall off, to be forgotten with nothing more than a tiny scar.

I am not a scar.

Okay, for This Week

I'm finally done (kind of) fucking around with my blog template again. I'm pretty pleased with myself this time around, too. It's slicker 'n snot on a doorknob, if I may be so bold. OH, of course I may? Why, thank you. I finally put my blog roll back up, too (about damn time, huh?). I found a template that got me all excited and I tweaked it all up all by my lonesome, from a 2-column to 3-column format with some trial and error (mostly error). I also added some "page" posts, where I can collect my favoritest of my favorite funny shit and whatnot.

Now to get over to my other sites and do sometime to spice them up, and then maybe I will actually get back to BLOGGING something.

It's just been kind of crazy around here lately, either I feel like shit or I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with work, most days feeling like shit AND overwhelmed with work or feeling like shit BECAUSE I'm overwhelmed with work.

I should just quit work and go live in a box.

Dude Needs to Get a REAL Job

You may remember Roy Pearson, the former judge who sued for $54 million for a pair of pants. Dude's back in court suing again, this time for $1 million in damages and his job back, claiming he was wrongfully fired, ". . . protected as a whistle-blower and . . . the city used the fact that he was being 'vilified in the media' to cut him out of his job" (because of the pants case).

I wonder WHY????? *sarcasm dripping* I would have fired him, too, a former judge filing a lawsuit as absolutely asinine as that. Had he sued only for the cost of replacing the pants (or even the entire suit, as he was wont to mention in his claim) instead of exhibiting his greed, the case probably would never have reached the public eye - and he probably would have won. Now he just looks like a moron.

Time to get a REAL job, buddy, and quit trying to live off the backs of others.

Mother's Day

I've been a mother for a long time (to me, anyhow), 16 years to be exact. When my two oldest boys were little, they proudly presented me with their perennial Mother's Day creations made in school, toiled over meticulously and then stuffed in a bookbag for the bus ride home, sometimes sobbing over the wrinkles and rips their gifts had suffered. I treasured each and every one of them, no matter how tattered and torn, because I knew they were made with love.

These marvelous tributes to Mom stopped with the boys leaving elementary school and walking through the doors of middle school and later high school, and my heart ached over not getting those ripped and wrinkled masterpieces. I had to acknowledge the fact that my babies were growing up and I was getting old(er).

Some years later, I married and became pregnant, twice back to back, and a few months after that my husband's 2 young daughters came to live with us, bringing our number to 8. We've tried to make our new family happy and nurturing, to give all of our kids the best chance at a bright and successful future and, for the girls, to try to ease some of the pain of their past. Of course, I was ecstatic at my "second chance" to surround myself with little ones. No one ever suspected that the fatigue and muscle weakness I was experiencing, at the time only irritating, was the beginning of the rapid decline that would eventually lead to my diagnosis of MS. Everyone, however, suspected that the horror from the girls' past would continue to haunt us and it has, casting a shadow and eating a hole in our lives in a way that no disease ever could.

Today is Mother's Day. Today, besides the flowering cherry tree given to me by all of my kids (with help from Dad), I received gifts from my girls. My 3-year-old proudly pulled from her bookbag a wrinkled and smashed poster she made at school for just this day. My 6-year-old gave me a poem with her handprint, to remind me of how small she once was after she has grown into her own life. My 7-year-old gave me a card listing the reasons she thinks I'm the best mom and why she loves me so much.

It refreshed my heart, my spirit, my well-being, getting these works of art that had flowed through their tiny fingers as their love for me found its way out of their gigantic hearts, tattered and torn in just the way I like them, and somehow they remind me of myself: No matter how wrinkled and broken I become, my children love me anyhow, because that's just the way love works.

I've come full circle, and the tree planted today in my honor will grow and thrive and stand as a testament to what it really means to be a mom.

It's Called "Population Control," People

People with serious diseases are finding themselves getting handed the shitty end of the stick when it comes to insurance copays on their medications. The medication costs can be enormous, and the insurer wants the insured to foot a bigger portion of the bill than their previous traditional copays of $10, $20, whatever, to 20% to 33%. The list of diseases in this article just happens to include multiple sclerosis, which you all know is my newfound "friend." These people with severe and chronic illnesses are the ones least likely to be working and earning an income in the first place, so let's sockittoem.

In terms of cold hard cash: The Copaxone injections I use for my MS cost $1740.13 for a 30-day supply, of which I pay a $40 copay. Under this "tiered" system, I would pay anywhere between $348.03 and $574.24 a month for my medication. This is an 870% to 1435% increase in my out-of-pocket cost just for the medication. This does not include the cost my employer and I fork over to the insurer in the first place just to have coverage, said cost having increased many-fold since I started working at the company a mere 7 years ago. Also keep in mind: This is not a medication to CURE my disease, merely to "try" to prevent acute exacerbations. This makes just so much sense, really. They'll NOT pay for medication to try to PREVENT an exacerbation, but they'll cover the much larger bills associated with hospitalization and testing and inpatient medications administered, etc., for an acute exacerbation. Yeah. Kind of like not paying for birth control or abortion but paying for prenatal care, labor and delivery, and then yet another child that will be covered on the policy.

So my choices are:
1. Fork over the cash (which is almost a whole week's pay) to get the medication to try to keep from getting worse and ending up on permanent disability, foregoing those pesky incidental expenses like rent, groceries, and electricity. I'll be living in a box on the street, but at least I'll have my medication!
2. Use my cash to pay for those pesky incidental expenses (above) and stop taking the medication, progressing in my disease process until I "expire." (That means "DIE" for those of you who don't know that medical term that bothers me for some reason, like we have a fucking date stamped on our butt cheek like a gallon of milk.)

I'm not wealthy. I can't afford to buy these medications. So I will just have to suck it up, accept the fact that I am poor and destined to die quicker than a wealthy individual who has the money to buy them to prolong not just their life, but their QUALITY of life.

That's why it's called population control. I've seen it for years, known it was happening and tried spreading the word but just being called a fruitcake or conspiracy theorist for my efforts. I've seen a young woman die of a completely treatable cancer just because of her insurance carrier's "policies." I've seen another woman beg and plead for money to abort a deformed fetus that would not survive delivery and likely would have killed the mother during said delivery, because Medicaid, her only healthcare coverage, would not pay for it: Two birds with one stone?

Kicking Myself in the Head

Or I would, anyhow, if my leg reached that high but it d0esn't so I'll just imagine that I'm doing it.

I sooooooooo wish I had upgraded my RAM years ago.

I also wish I'd bought a wide screen monitor years ago.

I like the feel of my new keyboard, too, but neglected to pay attention to the "little things," like the hot key combination needed to switch between PCs with the KVM switch. . . DOES.NOT.WORK. on this keyboard. You have to push the button for the PC you want to use, on the switch itself.

Everything else is peachy, though.

Oh.My.God

If I didn't have a reason to love Tiger Direct before, I do now. I ordered my goodies on Sunday night. I selected ground shipping, 3 to 7 days. I expected my stuff around Friday. Today is Tuesday. My stuff was delivered TODAY. TWO DAYS.

If you need ANYTHING for your computer, go to Tiger Direct. GO. Just do it.

Now I'm off to go play with my new toys, and hopefully get them all hooked up so all will be right with the world.

What a Great Idea

Diesel has inspired me to a great idea [ALL. . . HAIL. . . DIESEL], but I think I'm going to take all the credit for it anyhow, because I'm entitled to be an asshole every once in a while. It's just a shame that the truly great ideas seem so few and far between. Then again, maybe it's all perspective.

I've gone all over the place here with everything from ranting and raving about stuff I see in the news to whining and moaning about my disease and personal trials and tribulations with a little humor and a whole lot of weirdness thrown in for good measure. After all, as the name implies, whatever floats my boat. However, I have a feeling it might be a source of morbid fascination for the folks who dare to come back for a second visit, let alone those who actually feel brave enough to add this site to their feed readers (amazingly enough, there are a few, you poor souls), to see what kind of crap comes out of my mouth (or keyboard) next. I think it's time to recover and clean up this train wreck.

Anyhow, Diesel was busy with one of his own little hoo-hoos, and he was throwing out ideas for blog names that might indicate something more impressive than your run-of-the-mill stuff that is in abundance all over the net and recycled ad nauseum and perhaps making more of an impression when applying to one of his other sites, Humor-Blogs.com. Go read what The Man has to say, since he explains it much better than I can, and at least he's coherent. Great post, Diesel.

Anyhow, I have no desire to just drop and run from My Boat, it's kind of like home, but I do have a new site in the making (thanks for the name inspiration, Diesel), Mainlining Mountain Dew. I have a URL but nothing's up yet, so give me time. THAT'S where I'll be concentrating my humor and witticisms, stupidity (i.e., Future of America), and the great emails and pictures people pass along to me that I want to share. There will likely be duplicate stuff there from here, since some of the stuff I've put up here was pretty fucking hilarious and deserves to be recycled.

Til then, lotsa love,
A.

P.S.: Dude, I'm totally stealing your idea and don't feel the least bit bad about it!

I've Finally Done It

I got so tired of this computer freezing up on me, even AFTER removing XP SP2, I finally broke down and ordered more RAM like the IT guy at work suggested I do years ago. I went all-out at Tiger Direct and ordered TWO of them, 256MB each, the maximum my HP Pavilion is configured for. Keep your fingers crossed that this is the cure for my computer's ills and I stop getting that irritating "virtual memory is too low" message when I open 2 or more applications or even just use Firefox. It seemed a good deal, $60 total, and that's a helluva lot less than a new PC would cost, which would probably have Vista on it, and I'm not ready to give up XP. I don't need another PC; I just need to make this one do the job it did when it was all shiny and new.

I could go wild on Tiger Direct, if I had the money to do it and no sense of self-control. I let slip a wee bit and ordered a few other things I needed/wanted:

• A 20" LCD monitor. I can't see shit anymore and the dude at Office Max (I detest that store but was in dire need of a new office chair and dragged myself in there Saturday. It's so comfortable, I could sleep in it!) said a bigger screen might help. I got a nicer monitor than the cheapest one ($200) they had, for the same price. I shopped around and found one I liked at another store for about $240, then found a similar one on Tiger for less.
  
• A Trulink USB and PS/2 KVM switch with audio. Keyboard manufacturers seem to have decided to stop making PS/2 keyboards and mice for some reason, since the stores only seem to sell USB stuff (unless you want a junk $13 PS/2 keyboard that lasts about 2 months) and I need a new one, but my Trendnet KVM switch (which I love), quite unfortunately, is only PS/2 and not compatible with a USB adapter. It's so sad. It's a good switch and only a year old, but I'll package it up and keep it just in case. (Pack ratting)
  
• A Logitech Wave USB keyboard. I saw one in Staples (another store I detest but drag myself into when I need supplies) and liked it. It felt good to my hands and wrists, which is obviously vital in my line of work. So now I will have a USB keyboard to plug into my new KVM switch. I didn't get a mouse, since I have a couple here that are relatively new, all PS/2, but since the switch takes BOTH, it's all good.
  

I'm excited. I can't wait for my stuff to come. I could have paid extra and gotten it next-day or 2-day, but it's a good lesson in patience to have it shipped via ground in 3-7 days. Gives me a couple of extra days of gooey anticipation about my new toys and time to collect storage boxes for my old equipment.

Now, don't think I'm a freak for keeping the old stuff. It's just that if it's not BROKEN (broken stuff goes in the trash) but maybe just getting a little worn out or I don't like the shape or feel of it (I'm really peculiar about the feel of my mouse to my hand, and I hate mice that have no scroll wheel, and sometimes my headsets smoosh my ears against the earpieces of my glasses in a way I don't like), I hold onto it in case of emergency. That way, if whatever I'm using DOES break, I have backup until I can get a replacement. I work nights, when the stores are closed, so running to Office Max at 3 a.m. is just not an option.

In anticipation of our "rebate" checks, hubby-man and I ordered a new bed (thank goodness some stores still have layaways). He's been harping for months about how bad our old bed is getting and yelping whenever the Tempurpedic and Select Comfort commercials come on. Those just seem like they'd be out of my league money-wise (I admit I've never priced them but have a vivid imagination). So we went into the local furniture store and he fell in love with a Simmons mattress they had, and it was on even on sale. This store, where we've bought a lot of furniture over the years, can put it in layaway for you at the sale price. They also have free delivery. It's a hometown store and they don't just care about moving merchandise but actually satisfying the customer. They're all-around good people and know us by name (they also have a Radio Shack in the store and I send hubby-man there to buy my equipment for work, and the woman there is learning sign language). A few years ago I bought a solid oak entertainment center and glass-doored bookcase there, none of that Sauder crap they sell in Wal-Mart and Meijer, and 2 matching recliners. They were even able to match the color and pattern of another chair (different name, even) that I'd bought years prior at a different store! I'm also excited about that.

I've had a busy couple of days, and it just keeps on staying busy. Tomorrow's my appointment with the surgeon about my gallstones. Ugh.

I've Decided I'm Just a Bitch

I am so tired of reading stories like this in the news. Maybe I'm just a bitch, but maybe it's just time for society to wake up and smell the coffee. If people like this want to do away with themselves, fine, LET THEM - the world and especially their children are probably better off without them - but they need to stop taking their children out in the process or instead of themselves. It makes me so angry that this woman took the coward's way out, resorting to suicide, but she had NO right to murder her children, who never asked to be brought into this world but most certainly NEVER deserved to die at their own mother's hands. She chose to bring them into this world, and she then chose to renege on her responsibility as a ward to God's gifts. That's right: Children are not ours, as so many in this world wrongly declare, but God's, and He allows us to have care and custody over them, raise them in His light. I know it's an un-Christian way of thinking, but I firmly believe that people who abuse, torture, or murder children should suffer the exact same fate they dealt out to the little ones. Andrea Yates? Drown her. Then resuscitate her. Then drown her again. And again. And AGAIN. And one more time for good measure, for each child she deprived of life. Susan Smith? Same deal. Dena Schlosser? Cut her fucking arms off and leave her to bleed to death. Maybe once parents realize there is a PUNISHMENT for their actions - and keep the bleeding heart fucking liberals out of it, letting them cop out of responsibility for their actions by claiming mental illness - THIS SHIT WOULD STOP.

Rant over.

Post #299 - Now if THIS Ain't a Load of Shit

I'm a caffeine drinker. I can't stand coffee, but I've been known to polish off between one and two 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew a day. A DAY, PEOPLE. That's a lot of fucking caffeine. I should piss, shit, and BLEED neon yellow, I drink so much of it. I buy it 4 crates at a time (you know the blue crates Pepsi ships bottles in, 8 per crate???). I have to write Dew purchases into my monthly budget, to make sure I have enough to supply my habit. I don't bother with a glass, drinking directly from the mouth of that 2-liter bottle. I am a Dew addict. I need my fix. I didn't even curb my habit while pregnant with each and every one of my kids, and they should also shit, piss, and BLEED neon yellow after 9 months of continuous Dew infusion via umbilical cord. My kids are all above average in intelligence, motivated, and of the type to take a leadership role rather than that of a sheeple. I owe it all to the Dew. Look at that: Even my fucking CAT is addicted to this stuff.

Then along comes this study, claiming "Caffeine could protect against multiple sclerosis," which I would have to say based on my own real-life personal experience spanning 35 years , is a load of shit. I AM caffeine, I have been for years, and I still developed MS and it's still progressing. Give me some GOOD news, and let me know when you've really got something worthwhile, eh?

Researchers at Cornell University showed that giving mice the equivalent of six to eight cups of coffee a day protected them against experimental autoimmune encephalomyelitis (EAE), the animal model of MS. . .
Initial studies led the researchers to discover that mice lacking CD73, the enzyme necessary for synthesizing extracellular adenosine, were protected from developing the mouse form of MS (experimental autoimmune encephalomyelitis or EAE). Subsequent studies dealing with immune cells from such mice made them believe that normal CD73's ability to synthesize extracellular adenosine governed the development and progression of the MS-like disease.
Though this discovery did help the researchers to explain the presence of adenosine near the cells, but they were unaware of the mechanism that made the compound enter into the CNS cells. As adenosine is supposed to bind to its receptor in order to affect a cell, the researchers thought that adenosine receptor activation would have allowed for entry of immune cells into the brain and spinal cord and thus they turned to caffeine.
Caffeine's stimulatory effects on the CNS are mainly due to its ability to bind to the same receptors as adenosine, thus blocking adenosine's ability to affect CNS cells. When mice consumed caffeine in their drinking water, they were protected against development of EAE, the MS model.
Thus it was concluded that CD73 and adenosine receptor signalling are required for the efficient entry of immune cells into the CNS during the initiation and progression of EAE in mice and, quite possibly, during the development of MS in humans.

Finally. . . Rest for the Weary?

Saw my NL today, and boy am I glad I did. I love my neurologist. She's my favorite medical professional in the whole wide world and one of the few I would actually trust with my life. That number can be counted on my fingers with a few left over.

Last time I'd seen her back in January, we talked about burning pain in my muscles, worse in my shoulder girdle muscles, upper arms, back and neck but really in all the large muscle groups throughout my body, the same pain that put fibromyalgia into the differential before I developed optic neuritis and finally demyelinating plaques on my brain MRI, and hence, the MS diagnosis. She considered trying me on Lyrica at that time but opted to place me on Lexapro instead, since my "depression" (I've never been clinically diagnosed as having depressive disorder but was suffering from "situational depression") was causing my overall MS symptoms to worsen. I ended up taking exactly 3 days of the Lexapro and decided it wasn't for me: It made me so fatigued I could not function. It made me dizzy and nauseous and (even though it's supposed to be for treatment of depression) MORE depressed. That was enough for me. Ever since then, I haven't been able to shake this fatigue that puts me down for days at a time. She gave me the Lyrica today, so we'll see how that works out. She thinks it might also help with my migraines, which would be AWESOME. She also started me on Provigil today, to try to help with the fatigue, which she said was probably a symptom of the MS as well. I took one earlier today and I feel pretty fucking good, haven't looked wistfully at my bed for hours. . .

A lousy 3 months, and my health has definitely changed, some things better and some much, much worse. My "Health Shit Lists":

Positive Shit: I no longer feel depressed, and that's definitely a big fat plus. Unfortunately, that's about the only one I can come up with right now.

Negative Shit:

1. My pain has progressed to the point of affecting my quality of life, a my-body-is-on-fire-from-the-inside-out kind of pain. I bought some Ben Gay-smelling patches and wallpapered myself with them (not really, but it's a great mental picture, ain't it?). Please let the Lyrica work, since I'm allergic to Neurontin. . .
   
2. The vision in my right eye comes and goes, anywhere from about one-quarter to near-complete visual field loss, rapid fluctuations causing dizziness, inability to focus, or just plain not seeing shit and running into things. Thank goodness for drywall corner bead, or there'd be broken corners all over the house instead of black and blue marks all over my arms, legs, and head.
   
3. I can't remember things for more than a few minutes or sometimes even a few seconds unless I write them down, and there have been times I've forgotten what the fuck I was going to write before I even touched pen to paper.
4. My right arm is mostly useless and my right leg isn't far behind in function, affecting my ability to walk and my ability to communicate effectively with my family, who use sign language. This also makes for an interesting trip to the bathroom, which is upstairs, adding to my collection of colorful bruises.
   
5. I have just been found to have gallstones and seeing the surgeon (one of those few precious individuals above, heh heh) next week. In a way, I guess this could be on the Positive Shit list since it's relatively easily taken care of.
   
6. My bowels are disregulated due to MS. I either shit rocks (boulders and/or gravel) or I shit water. There is no in-between. I thought IBS was bad, but this takes the cake.
   
7. I am fatigued to the point of slumping over asleep in my chair for no apparent reason, even after TWELVE FUCKING HOURS OF SLEEP. The last time that happened, my (former) doctor kept barking NARCOLEPSY. He proved himself to be full of shit when he discovered it was pernicious anemia, NOT narcolepsy. My B12 levels are fine, so that's not it this time.
8. No one has any explanation for why my hair is falling out by the handful, my skin is turning to scales, and I've lost my "color." Once upon a time, I had beautiful honey golden skin, soft and smooth as a baby's, and a big thick ponytail. Then one year I turned green. GREEN-GREEN, like a fucking booger some kid just hooked out of his nose. After a couple of years, I was just white. Over time I've gotten more and more white, to the point people would ask how my moon tan was coming along. Now, I'm ready to just shave off what's left of my hair and scrub myself with a wire brush.
   

All in all, it was a productive day. I learned that my symptoms are part of the MS disease process and can come on at any time, or not, since each person's course is different from the next, and that progression to these symptoms is not necessarily an exacerbation. My January MRI was stable from the prior one, so for now it appears the Copaxone is doing its job. Now someone just needs to get to inventing a once-a-week or once-a-month injection instead of EVERY SINGLE DAY injection. Pills would be good, too.

Where Would We Be?

Had they not been stolen from us?

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity.
John F. Kennedy

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
John F. Kennedy

The Pincushion Look

My latest fashion statement is what I will call The Pincushion Look. I predict that it's going to be all the rage and particularly "sexy" come summertime when I wear shorts and everyone can see the remnants of my last 6 weeks' worth of Copaxone injections tattooed on my thighs. I bruise easily to begin with, and each subcutaneous injection leaves a nifty welt and a circular 2-inch purple-black bruise, which stays for weeks, even with rotation of injection sites to different areas of the body and rotation of specific sites at each location.

Just lovely. *This is me being facetious.*

I also have them on my upper arms, hips, and belly, but I won't subject any poor individual to the sight of my belly or hips - not even my poor husband has to suffer that trauma against his will. Thankfully, he's about blind without his glasses.

I'm tired of this disease and I'm ready to trade it in, ask for a refund, whatever. It's bad enough having gone slightly demented, blind in one eye, and hemiparetic from this shit, now I have to look at nasty blotchy bruises for the rest of my life. Someone needs to move their ass on finding a cure, already, cuz I don't think I can handle injecting myself for the rest of my life, however long that might be. The whole thing is just interfering with my life, and it's not something that can be "ignored" like my gallstones. And I don't just want something to HALT the progress of the MS, or "attempt to reduce the frequency of exacerbations," I want a CURE - I want restoration of my fucking ARM and my fucking EYE and my ABILITY TO DO MATH.

Yes, I'm in a kind of pissy mood right now.

Laughing at Myself

My Yahoo email used to be used for EVERYTHING, including my transcription business-related stuff. Now with all the great technologies available to me, I no longer use my email for that purpose, instead uploading a note on the server to be downloaded on the other end - or, miracle of miracles, FAXING it - and now my email just collects penis extender ads and shit like that.

And once in a while personal emails. I guess that's what it's for, after all, even though my friends who actually send me things can be counted on one hand with fingers left over. Another one of those side effects of withdrawing yourself from society, eh? I digress. . .

I haven't really used it that much lately, and I realized tonight that it still has my "signature" attached to it. Refresh my memory, what's it say. . .

NOTICE OF CONFIDENTIALITY:
The information contained in this email transmission is confidential and/or privileged and may contain confidential health information. This information is intended to be reviewed only by the individual or organization named as addressee. If you have received this transmission in error, please notify sender immediately and destroy all copies of this transmission and all parts included therein. State and federal laws including but not limited to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) of 1996 and related regulations protect confidential health information.

I just KNOW there are other "housekeeping" jobs I need to catch up on, too, but I just don't give a rip right now. I've got more important things to do than piss around with a signature line on my outgoing mail. And who really cares, anyhow?

What's Up With That?

I have very little interesting to say anymore. I know this, since it's the reason so many regular readers fled the scene months ago and just never returned, not even to rubberneck at the train wreck my life had become. Being so very uninteresting, I can't fathom why anyone would lurk around here for more than a couple of minutes, yet I find this on Site Meter:

Time of Visit		Mar 31 2008 1:17:09 am
Last Page View		Mar 31 2008 2:23:38 am
Visit Length		1 hour 6 minutes 29 seconds
Page Views		15
Referring URL

They read 15 pages, so I know it wasn't someone doing what I do from time to time: Visiting a blog and forgetting to close it out of my browser, walking away and coming back later to find it still there. (Sorry about that, if I've done it to anyone and they find it annoying.) I don't mind visitors, I really don't, but in 1+ hour of reading and 15 pages, you couldn't have said SOMETHING to me, not even telling me you think I'm weird? I like comments - they make me feel all gooey inside (except spam comments, which I've gotten a few of lately, here and on my recipes blog). And where'd you come from? People don't just magically appear on a blog site, yet there's no referring URL.

I'd love to hear from you.

Raising Awareness: Hands-Only CPR

In the event that an adult suddenly collapses in front of you, American Heart Association advises that Hands-Only CPR be administered, even if you have no formal CPR training. This involves chest compressions only, without mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and can greatly increase the victim's chances of surviving a cardiac arrest.

About 94 percent of sudden cardiac arrest victims die before reaching a hospital, the group said. Up to 80 percent of sudden cardiac arrests occur at home, it added. Brain death begins four to six minutes after a person suffers sudden cardiac arrest if no CPR or defibrillation is given.

What a Potty Mouth

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

Around 100% of the pages on your website contain cussing. This is 1011% MORE than other websites who took this test.

I'm such a potty mouth!

On the Internet

In this world that breaks down into little more than digits flying through etherspace, we can be anything we want to be. So. . . I am as beautiful as Halle Berry. I am as wealthy as The Donald. I am as powerful as the Pope. I am whatever I want to be, and you won't know the difference, right? And. . . I can make YOU into whatever I want YOU to be also, and no one will be any the wiser, right?

So says the cyberstalker.

Check this out and tell me: Exactly what is this world coming to? Whatever it is, it can't be good.

"I've just learned that my stalker has taken harassment to the next level. It wasn't good enough to harass me face-to-face, even after legal venues were pursued to put a stop to that. It wasn't good enough to anonymously hide behind the skirts of CPS and file malicious complaints containing fabrications and outright lies against me, because the truth prevailed in the end. No, that just wasn't good enough. Now it's time to take personal grudges and a tightly woven web of lies to the "court of the internets," to be judged by individuals who know nothing more about me than what my stalker has told them - and they believe it. I am a 'hacker' for using Google to find information about my stalker and a 'fat, lazy cunt who sits on the computer 24/7 hacking into and stealing personal records' [MySpace is personal, if it's not set to private???], even though I am working 4 jobs to pay taxes to help support my stalker's lifestyle: Collecting a welfare check every month on top of food stamps and Medicaid, enabling them to have more time to 'testify to the court of the internets' about what a piece of shit I am. I never really thought someone could be this depraved, this malicious, this vindictive and spiteful, even in the face of all that's happened, and now I realize just how deranged this person really is and am fearful for my life, because I don't know just how much farther they are willing to go to try to destroy me."

Being Oblique - Or Obtuse?

If someone is pissed off at {you} for doing something, is there some reason they can't just come right out and say it in as many words instead of leaving you wondering if they're talking about you or someone else?

Let's say I inadvertently piss "Joe" off. I want Joe to come to me and say, "Look, you did {this} and I didn't know you were doing it until after the fact, and what you did caused me a lot of inconvenience. Would you mind not doing it again, or at least letting me know your plans beforehand so I'm not slammed at the last minute?" That was pretty easy to understand and even when you're stressed, tact does not, in fact, have to run fleeing from the building - even with me. I'm not always obnoxious. I want to know if Joe's upset at something *I* did so I can try not to do it again, rather than being told in a vague way that "some people" did such-and-such or abused a privilege or just plain hurt someone's feelings or whatever. I can't help what "some people" do, since I can't control them, but I CAN control what I do and want to know when I've done something, if not necessarily wrong, at least irritating, especially if I'm not trying to be deliberately irritating.

I really CAN work and play well with others, honest!

On The Warpath

Some people need to learn the hard way, after being shown the error of their ways in a polite manner 47 times and still not getting it through their thick skulls: STOP ABUSING THE LAW AND PUBLIC SERVICE AGENCIES DEVELOPED TO PROTECT SOCIETY'S MOST DEFENSELESS CITIZENS, WHOM YOU HAVE VICTIMIZED YOURSELF MORE THAN ANYONE. I'm pissed, I'm primed, and I have a raging hard-on for justice with the will as high as a mountain and a soul of unfathomable depth to persevere to the end and see that justice is served. These same morons who need this lesson are the very ones who taught me that I do have the power to prevail and that in the end, good truly does triumph evil.

My Conspiracy Theory

Microsoft and HP are in cahoots to rip off the average idiot (me) over a many-year period of time to force them to buy new PCs every 2 to 3 years.

In 2002, in dire need of a new computer after someone (a cousin of a cousin) managed to get some ilk on my other PC that tore through the hard drive like the fires in Michigan's Upper Peninsula last summer, I went to Best Buy with a pocket full of cash. Being not so computer savvy, I (stupidly) relied on the salesman to help me pick out what would be best for me, a capital investment to be made in my transcription business and something I would use for years to come (at least 5, since that's what the IRS allows for depreciation on equipment).

I walked out of the store with an HP Pavilion 310n with a 1.1 GHz Celeron processor and thought I was just the cat's shit. Not knowing what all the little numbers meant anyhow and not thinking they really mattered, I didn't care, took it home and set it up. That fucker booted in 28 seconds flat. It burned a whole CD in less than 3 minutes. I was in my glory with that 1.1 GHz over the 333 MHz that was in my previous computer. I could have wet myself.

After a mere 3-1/2 years of use and abuse, my computer decided to take a shit on me for some unknown reason. It wasn't pretty. I lost some unimportant stuff (I'm a freak about backing up things) but got out of it relatively unscathed. Getting back to work, of course, involved doing a SYSTEM RECOVERY. In the apparent great wisdom of the powers that be, recovery CDs are NOT made available with the purchase of a new PC like they used to be, but it's not a complicated process to WIPE YOUR ENTIRE SYSTEM and start over from scratch, especially if you've backed up your junk.

No big deal. I was cruising again.

For a while.

It was maybe a year and a half later. The computer started bogging down on everything. It took 10 minutes to boot up and 10 minutes to shut down. If you opened more than one application, the whole computer would freeze and everything would show "not responding," which is really a bitch when you need one program to LISTEN to the dictation and a second program to TRANSCRIBE the dictation, and let's not even talk about having open an internet browser to research terminology. Task manager would take 10 minutes to open. It was officially a pile of shit. Then I got the bright idea, "Well, system recovery fixed it before, maybe it will again!"

So I tried it, and IT WORKED! Only by this time, XP Home (the OS on this hunk of shit) required Service Pack 2 and about 4800 security patches, so it took roughly 9-1/2 years off my life having to sit through downloads and installations. And putting all my shit back on the PC again. But I was up and running again! FOUR DAYS LATER. . . I was right back in the same boat and in a fit of screaming expletives at the computer and threatening to tie it to the rear bumper of the car and take it for a ride, I reformatted it AGAIN. And reinstalled AGAIN. And put my shit back on the computer AGAIN.

Now another year later, my computer took a shit on me yet one more time, and it was a big dirty stinky one, too. Fortunately, I had backup CDs in hand and just said SCREW YOU as I gleefully hit the system recovery option.

Do you want to do a system restore or a system recovery? Fuck that, I want to wipe this dirty fucker clean and put it out of my misery. RESTORE. MY. ASS.

Do you want to do a non-destructive application recovery or a destructive system recovery? Huh? I thought I just answered that question.

I did it. I wiped my hard drive, user partition, whatever the fuck you want to call it, I don't care. This time, for the life of me I couldn't figure out why it didn't ask me to download and install SP2. The computer worked great without it, so who gives a shit, right? It was running faster than ever, I could open 45 applications if I wanted and nothing even blinked, and Task Manager opened in about a nanosecond. All was good. I was shitting rainbows and puppy dogs.

For TWO DAYS.

In reading about XP, I've figured out what the problem is. HP churned out about a gazillion of these piles of shit with only 128 MB of RAM, pre-loaded them with Microsoft's shitty programs, so in the end all you have is a big pile of shit. I found out that the minimum recommended RAM for running XP is 256, so why the hell did they build them with only 128? And why the FUCK does it now cost me now $44.95 per module (2 needed) to get maximum RAM (512) on this pile of shit that's already 6 years old?

During the last update, I finally saw the forest for the trees. This thing ran great when I got it, ran great for a while each time I "recovered" it (factory installation at that time did NOT include SP2), and started turned to shit immediately after downloading and installing SP2.

Incidentally, my very first computer was purchased in 1995, an Acer Acros with a 386 processor and loaded with Windows 3.1. And guess what? I still have it, and I STILL USE IT! And even though it has no ethernet connections (the reason why I upgraded to the computer prior to this one, also an HP Pavilion), it's STILL a better computer than BOTH of my HPs put together!

Is Your Vagina Depressed?

I had to. I couldn't help it. I was reading FOX News and saw this link, and I had to click it. It was an overwhelming, irresistible urge.

Is your vagina depressed? Here, I'm thinking someone's got a cure for not getting enough nookie, but it's Dr. Manny interviewing a woman and her doctor about vulvodynia (chronic pain syndrome involving the vulvar/vaginal area).

No, it's not a cure for a depressed vagina.

My Girl, My Heart

My daughter, age 3, cracks me up. She's a night owl like me, bless her little heart, and it makes for a rather exasperating bedtime routine when she has to get up for school the next morning.

"Go to bed."
"No way."
"Go to bed now."
"No way."
"You have school in the morning."
"No way, Jose."
"If you don't go to bed, then you can't go to school."
"NO WAY, JOSE!"

I just don't get it. When she was 2, she bugged me for a whole year to go to school and got PISSED when I told her she needed to wait until she was 3. She loves school. She loves the bus. She loves her book bag. She loves her teacher. She loves her friends. She loves drawing and coloring and counting and reciting the alphabet and writing her name. She just WILL NOT GO TO BED. Actually, I do get it but it's a nightmare of a story that no parent and child should have to live through but do, more often than you might think, let alone recite it.

It's 11:30 p.m. and she still refuses to go to bed after 3-1/2 hours of the above conversation. She is busy sharpening pencils for school, even though she won't go. I have an electric sharpener and a box of about 200 pencils for the kids for school, and she thinks she needs to sharpen each and every one of them. Now. Before bed. As though her life depends on each pencil being sharp. Or maybe she's just stalling.

She puts the pencil in the sharpener and grinds away. She pulls it out and sees it's just not pointy enough and puts it back in. More grinding. More checking. More grinding. When she's done, the brand-new, unsharpened pencil might be 3 inches long.

"Another," she says.
"No way," I say.
"Another."
"No way, Jose."
"ANOTHER!"
"NO WAY, JOSE!"

My God, I've turned into a 3-year-old. But you get the picture. She drew 14 E's on the bedroom wall with a crayon. She took the blue marker and "painted" her fingernails since I didn't get to painting her nails with polish in a timely manner. To top it off, she demanded that I let her help me do my Copaxone injection (she likes to push the button on the autoject device) then laughed when I said "ouch." She's not a beast, though, because it started bleeding and she started crying, grabbing for tissues and screaming "Momma owie bleeeeeeeeeeeeeding!" I think (I hope) she's not really laughing about the fact that it hurt but at the face I made when I said it.