Out With the New, In With the Old?

I am not ready to lay to rest the memories, hopes, dreams, goals, ideals, beliefs, and passions of the person who occupied this body before me, presumed dead 9/12/07. These were powerful within her, and their combination created an energy that radiated from her and drew people to her. She was loved and respected. She was thoughtful, caring, kind, generous, honest, and loyal. She was someone worth knowing, loving, being with; a truly commanding presence. I realize now - hopefully not too late - that she was not my friend but the most essential part of my being and my existence. Knowing that without her I am but a shadow, I can neither let her go nor stop searching for her, to restore her to her rightful place. I cannot exist as an entity torn in two. I need to reclaim the life that is rightfully mine and restore myself to what I had been rather than what I've become - because, personally, I liked that person much better than the one sitting here staring at this computer screen right now.

I sound like I'm all full of myself, but I don't believe that's the case. I'm proud of the fact that I'm a bit odd: I can objectively look at something, including myself, pick it part and analyze it. These past 4 months have provided ample opportunity to do this. I see what I've become and I DON'T LIKE IT. I am now depressed; before, I looked positively upon life and sought the proverbial silver lining. I am now cynical; before, I looked at the world as a glass half full. I am now angry, frustrated, and bitter; before, I eagerly awaited the lemons so I could share my lemonade. I now hide in my rooms, dreading being hurt further; before, I greeted life and all its challenges with a smile. I now believe that evil lurks in every nook and cranny of my fellow man; before, I believed that there was good inside each of us, just buried a little deeper in some than others. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I was just stupid. Or maybe I really was just full of myself.

I believed - and part of me still does - that I had been touched by the Finger of God. I forgot my place, though, and felt I was impervious to the actions and reactions of other mere earthly beings. I had forgotten to place my spirituality above all else and forsaken that Touch, suffering pain at the perceived loss of its presence, not realizing that it had been there all along but that I was too focused on my losses and grief to notice.

I am awake now. I am listening now. I am watching now. There is a breach in my heart of hearts and in my mind, thousands of thoughts and thousands of feelings washing over my conscious being, and I see that my soul is what I have been seeking, that part of me that I thought was gone.