Two Weeks

For the first time in 16 years, I will not be wrapping gifts and placing them under a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, waiting eagerly for the crew to start shredding paper at 5 a.m. and running through the house screaming with glee for hours before finally settling down to thank the Lord for what we have and for each other and eating until our pants need to be unbuttoned.

Now I stare at a tree that has nothing on it and certainly nothing under it, trying not to be a dick and thank the Lord for the fact that now I have nothing and am alone. In less than 2 years I've lost my mother, my health, and my children and all possibilities of either bringing more of my own into the world or bringing others who need me into my home. For that matter, I'm well on my way to losing that home, which really doesn't seem to matter much since I don't need a 6-bedroom house when there are no children to fill it.

I've always tried to teach my children the lessons in life I felt they needed to know in order to make them better people, but recent events have shown me that apparently I was teaching them the wrong lessons - the ones that would help them survive in this "ME" society where integrity and personal responsibility take a back seat to instant gratification and not the ones that would help to ensure their place in serving the Lord for eternity:

• Treat others as you would want to be treated. Do whatever you want, look out for #1, and piss on everyone else - they don't matter anyhow.
• Neither push onto nor seek out from others sympathy but express empathy - those who deserve sympathy don't seek it and those who seek it don't deserve it. Take all you can get and piss on everyone else - they don't matter anyhow.
• Love all God's creations, man and plant and beast, and treat them with respect; He placed us here as caretakers and the well-being of all life is our responsibility. Use what you want, throw it away when you're done (including people), and piss on everyone and everything else - they don't matter anyhow.
• Work hard and earn your way in life - don't look for or expect handouts and don't think you're entitled to whatever you want just because you find that you CAN. Sit back and watch others work, live off the fruits of their labors, and then go out of your way to fuck up their lives when you don't get what you want - they don't matter anyhow.
• An honest mouth belongs to an honest heart, and an honest heart belongs to an honest soul. Sometimes the truth hurts, but a lie hurts more. Lie about everything, even when the truth works better than a lie, just for the sake of lying. Who cares if lies hurt others - they don't matter anyhow.
• God first, then family, and yourself last. Yourself first, family when it's convenient for you, and we'll deal with God when we get there.

I used to have characteristics I liked about myself and that others seemed to like about me. I've changed, though, and not for the better. I really don't like what I've become.

Hopeful is now cynical.
Respectful is now disgusted.
Smiling is now frowning and laughing is now crying.
Understanding is now questioning truthfulness.
Giving the benefit of the doubt is now expecting deceit.
Working for the greater good is now hiding in the corner for fear of being hurt again.
Willingness to be flexible is now fear of destruction.

It's like I've reverted to primal instincts and become a wounded animal. I hide in my rooms, I can't leave the house, I am afraid of other people and their motivations. I am just afraid. Somehow I don't think this was in God's plan for me but I have to keep faith in Him and have patience that He will intervene and make things right. So instead of thanking God for the "nothing" I have now, I realize I have to say thank you to the one who created this destruction, and I no longer feel sorry for you standing in the path of God's vengeance.