Blacker Days

It's Christmas Eve and I am still alone. My heart aches and I have a pit where my stomach belongs and a headache the size of Texas. In all my life, I never would have dreamed that someone could endure this much pain and still live, yet here I am, continuing on day by day, minute by minute, unable to leave my rooms and go out in public or even to watch television anymore for fear of evoking yet more emotional trauma by seeing children - other people's beautiful children - when I am so filled with longing to hold my own, hug them, touch their faces, kiss their noses, see their smiles, smell their hair, hear their laughter, tell them how much I love them. I feel like cursing each of these 5 senses I have been bestowed and cannot escape.

The destruction of one's soul from the inside-out is most unpleasant.

Every once in a while a thought intrudes into my wallowing and I get an inkling of what God's plan might be for me. I question whether I am strong enough, physically and emotionally, to carry it out; but I know that it's not my place to question His plan or His reasons, and that He obviously chose ME because He knew I could do the job. The hardest part is not knowing exactly what the job is I'm supposed to be doing and the interminable time that passes.

No matter what man may do to me during this life, I know that as long as I hold His light in my heart and do His bidding, serve Him faithfully and unfailingly, someday He will make everything right. I give my life to You, who gave it to me by Your own Grace.