Untitled Email

I know I've mentioned it before, but I love some of the junk that falls into my email box. I'd turn off spam blocker merely for amusement purposes if I had time to sift through 4.5 million spam messages a day, but I don't and I can't so I won't. No matter how hard spam blocker tries, though, occasionally one slips through and rear its ugly head in my Inbox.

I know not to click untitled email from Harry Longshank or email entitled "Hi" with no sender listed. Even though Snopes debunks many of those telling me not to click on Liberty Torch or Friendship, I have "better safe than sorry" burned in my mind and just don't. Then there are insurance quotes and other stuff I know I didn't solicit but have managed to deceive spam blocker. These all get a ticket from me for operating without a valid license on the information superhighway in my jurisdiction and have a nice day, ma'am (yes, I have a thing for cops, too, once a little bit TOO much--something about a man in uniform carrying a big gun, or was it the siren and flashing bubble light on top of his car???).

I get a cackle out of penis extension emails promising to grow me up to 2 inches, although what I'd do with an up-to-2-inch penis is beyond me--I don't think that's even long enough to write my name with in the snow, a feat I'd always secretly envied men for, being of the female persuasion and hearing what I believe now to be tall tales; somehow, though, I've managed to go 35 years without ever even having seen human-yellowed snow, let alone someone's name sketched merrily across the landscaping. I even find subtle humor in the scads of emails from debt reduction companies, probably owned by the same company owning the credit card that was so kind in assisting me in getting into trouble in the first place.

My favorite emails, though, are of two sorts: First, the inspiring (generally Christian-themed) emails giving me a message that I probably really needed to hear that day and not telling me I need to secure my blessings by passing it on to at least 8 people. I know my blessings come from above, not from the Ethernet, but I also know the person on the other end of the Ethernet was probably asking Him to help me. This is one of my ramblings making little sense, but that's just me, like it or leave it. Second, I love GOOD jokes. They're usually dirty or at least slightly off-color, but they give me the best kind of medicine I need: Laughter. I ain't shitting you that Laughter really IS the best Medicine. . . after all, you're my favorite turd. And I'm as serious as a heart attack, or was it a rubber crutch?

Back to the point. Some while ago someone here on the Internetz (don't ask me who, because my memory's gone down the pipe and there are at least 65 posts in my reader every day--keep up the good work, guys!) posted a picture of 3 somewhat older topless ladies who'd been "decorated" with frog faces. It grossed me out then. . . and today I got an email from a friend I haven't heard from in ages with the same picture. . . and it still grosses me out. But in a morbid kind of way, it IS amusing - if wrong - on a number of levels.

Anyhow, vaguely titled emails sent to me from someone I love dearly are also good medicine for me, and here's another classic. Although it's an oldie, it's still a goodie and made me laugh today just like it did years ago:

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said. . . "Well, will you look at that. . . I'm getting a fax!"

And this, entitled "A Blonde's Year in Review":

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. . . . HELLLLLOOOOO!!!!! . . . . bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March: Got really excited. . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. . . . box said "2-4 years"!
April: Trapped on escalator for hours. . . . power went out.
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid. . . . wrong instructions. . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June: Tried to go water skiing. . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition. . . . learned later other swimmers cheated. . . . they used their arms!!
August: Got locked out of car in rain storm. . . . car swamped because soft-top was open.
September: Capital of California is "C". . . . isn't it?
October: Hate M&M's. . . . they are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days. . . . instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December: Couldn't call 911. DUH. . . . There's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

And finally:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it up then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little while later she came out of her house again and went to the mailbox, again opened i and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the law, here she came again, marching to the mailbox. She opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There ceratainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"