Blame it on Bush

(Up-tempo game show-type music plays, camera pans across cheering audience)
Announcer: Democratic or Republican, Republican or Democratic, Elephants and Asses are no help here in your quest to reach... The Winner's Circle! Anyone can play, but only the quickest will win! It's America's hottest new game show....
Audience: BLAME IT ON BUSH!
Announcer: And heeeeeeere's your host.... Mr..... Maaaaaaaaaatt..... DAAAAAAAAAAMON!
(camera pans across flailing audience, foaming at the mouth)
Matt: (waving arm to settle crowd, hand signal to Brutus in the back with suspicious bulge under his jacket, to be on guard) Hello, everyone, welcome, and thank you for joining us. Wow. What a great crowd. It's so great to see you all fired up. Okay. We all know how this works, it's fun to play and easy to win. All you have to do is...
Audience: BLAME IT ON BUSH!
Matt: Please welcome our first contestant, Nancy from San Francisco. Nancy enjoys scrap-booking and cooking....
Nancy: Excuse me, Matt?
Matt: Yes, Nancy?
Nancy: It's actually "cocking," not cooking.
(Audience screaming/flailing/foaming)
Matt: (chuckles) Ohhh...kay. Sorry about that. Nancy enjoys scrap-booking and cocking.... Nancy?
Nancy: Yes Matt?
Matt: You are one naughty girl.
(Audience screaming/flailing/foaming)
Matt: (laughing and shaking head) I can't do it. Really, I can't. I'm sorry, Nancy. (Laughing and wiping fake tears from eyes) Oh. My. No, I just can't. So allow me to introduce our returning champion, finishing out our last round with a grand total of $700,000,000,000 in cash and prizes.... Damien from Chicago.
(Audience screaming/flailing/foaming)
Matt: Wow, Damien. That is, that is just amazing. Wow. Congratulations, man.
Damien: Thanks, Matt. I can't tell you how great it is to be here.
Matt: Okay, folks. Let's get ready to play:
Audience: BLAME IT ON BUSH!
Matt: Now, you both know what to do. I'll read the question, and whoever buzzes it in fastest - and gets the correct answer - wins the points. Speed is what's gonna get your foot in the door, but only the correct answer wins the cash. Are you ready?
Nancy: I'm ready, Matt.
Damien: Let's do it, Matt.
Matt: Okay. Here we go. The first question:

Matt: Who squeezed the toothpaste in the middle of the tube?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who left half a square of toilet paper on the roll?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Then didn't bother to get another roll?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who farted and tried to blame the dog?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who took the remote?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who ordered the attack on the Twin Towers of the WTC?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who ruined the American economy?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who nailed Jesus Christ to the cross?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who made Ellen gay?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who caused the extinction of the dinosaurs?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who broke Apollo 13?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who tripped that kid that was running in the hall on the way to the bathroom and made him shit himself?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who barfed/pissed/shit all over the toilet bowl, tank and seat, sink, floor, walls and ceiling at the bar this weekend?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who shot JFK?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who shot JR?
Damien: ~~~BUSH~~~

Matt: Who got a blow job in the Oval Office and made a mess on Monica's dress?
Nancy: ~~~BILL CLINTON!~~~

Matt: (Turns slowly to Nancy, motioning for Brutus to come NOW) What the fuck kind of answer is that, Nancy?

(Screen goes black, then white. High-pitched, ear-piercing tone sounds.)

PLEASE STAND BY FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM. ATTENTION: THIS IS NOT A TEST. REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A TEST.

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, fellow Americans. Moments ago, two intercontinental ballistic missiles directed out of Iran were detonated here, on American soil, destroying the cities of New York and Detroit...