My Continuing Assholery

To my friend Shannon: (Regardless of how you feel toward me, I will consider you always as my friend, worthy of respect and high regard; my loyalty runs deep, and I would stand by your side through good times and bad, and all of them in between.)

I am an asshole, and I admit it. I never denied it. My assholery was boldly declared right here on this blog, as a matter of fact, but I seem to have misplaced it with my last template change. I will have to remedy that.

BUT.... do not presume to think you have more than an inkling of what is going on inside my head based on a handful of posts offering a peek inside, across tiny flashes of my life. And frankly, you really have little frame of reference, my having been "out here" for only a year and a half. In fact, had you met me, say two years ago, you would be asking "Who the hell are you and what did you do with Anj?"

I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am not the same person I was ONE year ago. I am probably not even the same person I was two weeks ago. I cannot really declare that with any degree of positivity, fuzzy distortions and even gaping holes where I am quite sure things were before but can no longer be found. I can only "gauge" this difference based on what others tell me - and I have been told more times than I have fingers and toes upon which to count that I am different.

Yes, I am an asshole. Yes, I say things that are weird, nonsensical, or downright ugly. I am acutely aware of how off-kilter I sound most of the time; again, I am told frequently. Some of this comes from the fact that I am just plain weird, a fact that will never change and probably only worsen with time. Some of it comes from feeling stressed or happy or confused or deliciously yummy or depressed to the point of taking a really long look at a really big tree at the end of a really short road trip. Usually it is some confounding combination of all of the above, all at the same time.

That is what happens - to someone like me, anyhow - when over the course of two years (amongst other things):

1. Their mom dies.
2. They are excoriated repeatedly by a vindictive boss who despises efficiency and ingenuity in others when they cannot take credit for it without being caught.
   
3. They are targeted for destruction by someone who has turned her own life inside out and cannot stand to see anyone else who is not MORE miserable than she.
4. They have to "give up" two children to protect them from the manipulations of a "Child Protective" system (wrongfully targeted and destroyed emotionally, physically, and financially even after proven that actions instigated by the "mother" of other children in that person's care - BEATEN AND RAPED by her "boyfriend" and subjected to worse by her as well, after CPS allowed unsupervised visits despite having taken them from her TWICE before for the same reason - in an attempt to cover up their actions).

Oh, and let us not forget being basically eaten from the inside out by an incurable disease that shuts you down inch by painful inch.

So yeah, I chose the circumstances of my life. You know, the ones that made me venomous and hateful - while still allowing me to laugh at a funny joke, to appreciate beauty in every sunrise knowing I might not see the next, or to hold for my children a love so deep that I would die in order to spare them an ounce of hurt. I chose them by choosing NOT to check that tree out real up close and personal-like.

As for lowest common disgusting denominators, yes, it surely was disgusting; and it surely did seem to fit the profile of some of the other "lowest common disgusting denominators" floating around the ether published by some of our internet peers, but was it REALLY any worse than:

• White people are slave masters (all white people unequivocally declared so, end of discussion) getting a glimpse of the "coming role reversal" and they don't like it.
  
• "White people are just too stupid to see we {blacks} can't stand them."
  
• ANY reason for not endorsing Senator Obama, up to and including use of words like "inexperienced" is racist - regardless of one's political affiliation and/or ideology.
  

No, it is not; and I will be the first to admit it is no better, either. I did not say he was going to be wearing one. I expressed a legitimate fear that he will abandon his "blackness," having served its purpose, casting it aside and doing nothing to further the dreams of unity that some of us still actually hold; make valiant promises he has no intention of keeping and dashing the hopes of millions; or compromising an historic opportunity and diminishing the sacrifice of Dr. Martin Luther King in one fell swoop, for personal gain. Human beings all carry a streak of stupidity. In some way, each of us is guilty for picking at the wounds of society, not allowing them to heal.

I stated ages ago that this is a place to dump my "psychological diarrhea," and I was surprised anyone even read it. Part of me had an notion that some were here to gawk, to witness firsthand descent into the darkness that exists on the other side of sanity; if so, they will not have long to wait. My MS appears an aggressive type, with no benefit from "conventional" medical therapies. If you truly believe, though, that my motivation is to be venomous and hateful, you do not give me the benefit of the doubt: You have never once asked for clarification without first passing judgment and, in that respect, you are not truly "hanging in there." If so, you would have seen the changes - both radical and subtle - and understood the reasons behind them. Maybe not liked them, but at least understood.

There is only so much heartache - and I know you know this, with some of the glimpses you have given us the privilege of seeing into your own life and the situations you have faced - one person can bear.