The Rats Are Jumping Ship

I think this boat is going to sink soon. I am 34 chronologically, 94 physiologically, and timeless psychologically. This blows chunks.

As a general rule, I prefer seeing a Physician Assistant (PA), since they seem to be able to give patients more time and attention and do not have their noodles over-saturated with the excessive gobbledygook learned in medical school. Recently I have reconsidered the wisdom of that choice and sought a new doctor. I met with him yesterday and think I have found one who will actually LISTEN to what I am trying so desperately to say. I had been losing faith, thinking that the medical profession was failing me....

For several months now, I have suffered profound right-sided weakness among other odd and seemingly unrelated symptoms, so I made an appointment to see the PA at my internist's office since my doctor was booked for weeks. The first visit went something like:

ANGIE: I'm having this weakness that's disrupting my entire life, interfering with my ability to work, interact with my children, and even communicate with my husband.
PA: What do you mean?
ANGIE: I can't pick my arm up, and it's a little difficult to sign when you can't raise your arm. Force of will is the only way I get from my bed to my desk or to the bathroom and back. When I get from one place to another, I'm drained and can't do anything once I get there. I'm also having a problem with . . .
PA: Wait, I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about what may be causing your fatigue.
ANGIE: I came in here for weakness, not fatigue. There is a difference.
PA: Well, we'll check your thyroid and B12 with your history, since they might be causing your fatigue, and we'll see you back in 2 weeks.
ANGIE: (Thinking to self: WTF?!?! TWO WEEKS?!?!?!)

Labs are done and a couple of days later hubby goes to the office to see this chick to see "what's wrong with me." (He thinks I am faking so I do not have to cook and clean and change shitty diapers.) He comes home and tells me, "That girl says nothing is wrong with you" (further assuring him that he is right and I am faking). I call the office to speak with "that girl" myself and get the results of my tests, only to be told "We cannot release that information over the telephone. You'll have to make an appointment to go over those results with Doctor." Worried now (having worked in doctors' offices before and knowing they usually only refuse to give results when they are severely abnormal), and with my complicated history and background knowledge, I imagine 5000 things causing my imminent demise. I make the appointment and go in:

PA: Your labs came back normal, so there's nothing wrong with you.
ANGIE: I don't think "nothing" would be causing me to have these symptoms.
PA: It's stress. You work too much. It's all in your head. You need to see a psychiatrist.
ANGIE: *Scrapes jaw off floor* I am not suffering any unusual stressors outside of the ones caused by this weakness. I can't even get the 6 feet to my chair to work most days and it's pretty stressful when everyone from the landlord to the electric company is calling because we have no money to pay the bills.
PA: You work too much. You need to cut back.
ANGIE: I am working less now that I have since 1992. If I cut back any more, I'll need someone pin a note to my shirt to remind me to breathe once in a while.
PA: I can schedule that appointment with the psychiatrist if you want.
ANGIE: In my opinion, 99.99% of so-called "mental illness" is nothing more than malingering, and I am not malingering. I am trying to GET BACK TO WORK, not get out of it! There is something going on, and I want to know what it is. What about...?
PA: There's no indication for that. Now let's go schedule that appointment with that psychiatrist.

I refused to get up from my seat until she acknowledged that I was not going to see a psychiatrist and that she was going to refer me to a neurologist (NL), but she did nothing to expedite that referral. I had to wait SIX WEEKS to see my own NL (whom I have seen in the past for seizure disorder). She did a physical exam (which the PA did not) and ordered an MRI of my head and neck (which the PA did not), only to find that I have a syrinx in my cervical spinal cord. Nice to know "It's all in my head." Close but not quite the right body part - I guess that PA needs to review her fucking anatomy book. NL also ordered other labs (not neuro related) and found that I have various vitamin deficiencies. She also worked me up with coagulation studies because I had just had my third miscarriage - all things the PA chose to disregard because there was "no indication" and she "didn't want to talk about" because they were "not related to fatigue." I am going for an EMG soon then likely on to either Cleveland Clinic or Mayo Clinic for more poking and prodding. My NL looked almost as pissed as I felt when I told her there was "no indication" for doing anything, and that it was all in my head. She knows my history well and that I had been previously diagnosed with another oddity when there was "no indication" (pernicious anemia at age 21 with no family history), and she knows how I feel about mental illness.

It is gross stupidity like this that makes me wonder why they bother to go into the field of medicine in the first place. I know why *I* am there - to help people - so WTF are they doing here with me?

Now, If That Ain't the Truth

Children see, children do. Oh, yes they do.



This always makes me cry, seeing this video.

If a child sees an adult hitting someone else in order to "resolve" a conflict, they will do the same.

If a child sees an adult lying and manipulating to get what they want or to avoid responsibility, you can bet that they will do it, too.

It is kind of sobering, when you stop for a moment and think about it, seeing children mimicking their parents while in the mall, at a restaurant, or in the park, doing completely stupid things, teaching their offspring to do the same and perpetuating the cycle. It truly saddens me.

Potty Training

It boggles the mind, how smart kids are and how quickly they pick things up. Potty training babies is a great challenge but a fun one when the little one in question is just too smart for YOUR own good!

My daughter is the sweetest little thing and smart as a whip. She started potty training at just over a year old but REFUSED to use the potty chair I got her, wanting to use the big toilet like everyone else. Because of her tiny size and the fact that she kept falling in, she had a rough time. She is an independent little booger, too. A couple of months ago, she decided it was time to stop being a "baby" and be a big girl, no more diapers. She finished her potty training in this short time and has only occasional accidents.

It is the occasional accident in combination with a fearsome intelligence in a strong-willed child that had me rolling on the floor in hysterics one day. The poor girl is too short to reach the doorknob to the bathroom and turn it, and someone closed it tight so she could not get in. She needed to go, and fast. Unfortunately, she did not make it in time and pooped her pants. This made her cry, sitting on the toilet, yelling "I SHIT, I SHIT, I SHIT" over and over and over.

Now, we all know too well the dangers of saying naughty words in front of little ears, but sometimes they slip out and those little ears grab them fast and those tiny brains store them up just like a computer. What had me laughing so hard was not the fact that she kept saying it, but that she was actually using the word appropriately and not merely randomly repeating something she had overheard. We cleaned her up, told her it was okay and just an accident that she could not help and would do better next time, and pleeeeeeeeease do not say "shit" anymore. She turned those big brown eyes up at me and it got me all over again - she knew she should not say that word, but in frustration and anger at having pooped in her pants, it just came out, kind of like with big people.

Ahhh, the joys of parenting. Soon we get to start the boy's potty training!!!! Wonder how long until he is standing next to the toilet peeing on the floor instead of in the toilet, as almost always happens without fail with little boys....

Raising Awareness: Syringomyelia

Syringomyelia is a condition in which a cyst forms within the spinal cord, usually associated with a Chiari malformation, sometimes associated with trauma, sometimes occurring for no apparent reason at all (idiopathic). It is a normally progressive degenerative disorder causing pain and/or weakness in the extremities, headaches, sexual dysfunction, or loss of bowel or bladder control among other symptoms.

This is considered a "rare" condition, and doctors in general seem rather uneducated about it, its causes, effects, and course.

If you or someone you love suffers from this debilitating condition and you need more information, please visit the American Syringomyelia Alliance Project. If you have questions and want answers or just need a shoulder to lean on, there are numerous fine people you can connect with on the message boards.

Please help us find a cure.

Raising Awareness: Child Protective Services

I have seen numerous stories in the news lately about children routinely abused and even murdered by their "parents" or other caregivers, and in many of these cases CPS has been involved in these family's lives. Oftentimes the children have been removed on prior occasions, only to be returned to the abusive situation and later murdered. In many forums, people who are justifiably angry point a finger at CPS and the court system for allowing it to happen.

There is a reason for this, and in many cases the CPS worker's hands - and the judge's - are tied. They have no choice, based on laws at state and federal levels: Laws that push for family "reunification" and laws that push for termination of parental rights - all with the intent of getting children out of the foster care system as expeditiously as possible.

Do social workers create the laws they are bound to follow? NO.
Do judges create the laws they are bound to enforce? NO.
Who creates these laws? THE LEGISLATURE.
Who can change the law to protect children from being abused, neglected, sexually assaulted, tortured, maimed, and murdered? THE LEGISLATURE.

It is painfully obvious that "the system" does not work and screaming for change, but pointing fingers does nothing to help. Change must start at the top, with the men and women we elect to represent us. They have an amazing opportunity to save the life of a child, ordering closer monitoring of "at-risk" children, preventing return to abusive situations, ensuring conditions of return are met, and providing a punishment appropriate to the crime that will not leave the rest of us scratching our heads and wondering WHY? Contact your legislators, tell them this is unacceptable, demand to be heard and demand change.

Man pleads guilty to attempted rape of 1-day-old daughter

Two-year-old beat to death, prior removal from home

Woman kills 2 children, hides bodies under apartment, prior termination of rights to 2 children

This is a small sampling (what is caught and reported upon) of crimes against another human being - one who has lost their rights to LIFE, LIBERTY, AND PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

Think about this single statistic and its immense gravity (and it is already more than 5 years old): "Recent studies show that while the statistics on most other forms of violent crime are dramatically decreasing, reports of child abuse and neglect have risen since 1993. In fact, it is now believed that every day, three children are killed as a result of abuse or neglect in this country.- Prevent Child Abuse America, 2001." For more statistics, please see YELLO DYNO.

We cannot allow this to continue. Please do not disengage from what is happening all around us, but be proactive and let your legislators know that they need to take action.

More stupidity

Man puts drugs in child's pocket. Talk about a walking, talking pile of feces.

Denying Responsiblity

Following is an amendment to CCP (Crime Committing Process). Please see previous post:

If a BHS is not available and no other person is available (not even your spouse), blame the unicorn.

Sick to Death of Those "Sick in the Head"

One of the things that irritates me the most, one that never fails to shock me and get me even more pissed off about the walking, talking piles of feces on this planet sucking up good oxygen the rest of us could put to better use, are dirt bags who commit a crime and, after being caught, have the famous "mental illness" claim to justify their actions in an attempt to escape punishment for what they have done. I am amazed this country can even function, considering the fact that so much of the population is "sick in the head" and, therefore, should not be held accountable for their actions.

There is a process to follow if you have committed a crime and do not want to be punished for it:

1. Immediately concoct a cover story blaming someone else, preferably a BHS (bushy haired stranger). If no BHS is available, blame the next readily available person (it does not matter, stranger or otherwise - your spouse will work in a pinch) then sue that person for irreparable harm to your character.
2. When the BHS cover is blown, immediately give a confession then change the story a minimum of 7 times to distort the facts. This will support your actions when you proceed to step 3.
3. When steps #1 and #2 fail or in any case you failed to implement them in a timely manner, immediately claim you suffer from mental illness and/or substance abuse, have been receiving treatment, and you DO NOT remember the incident. Most charges will be dismissed or lowered on completion of this step.
4. If steps #1 through #3 fail and you are convicted, sue agencies such as DHS or any others that may have been providing services to you because they did not provide you with appropriate or sufficient services. You may want to concurrently implement step #5 through #7.
5. Sue your physicians for not properly diagnosing and/or treating your mental illness and/or substance abuse.
6. Sue any companies that manufactured equipment/materials used in the commission of said crime because they were faulty (or you would not have been caught).
7. Have 18 family members ready to crow from the rooftops about your innocence even if you did commit said crime, because society failed you and you should not be punished for the failings of society. After all, you are entitled to your rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (while your victim has none).

Follow these simple steps and you will get away with committing any crime. Heck, if you are really good at it, you will reap benefits in addition to not being punished for committing the crime: You will not be held liable for any damages you caused, you will collect Social Security/Disability benefits because of your "mental illness," and someone might even throw money at you for your story, if it is juicy enough to draw TV or book ratings. There is even a bright side to being convicted: You will get 3 hots and a cot (at taxpayer expense), a book or movie deal to make money from your story, and a multitude of followers thinking you have done nothing wrong and rallying for your release, creating a legacy in which your name will be remembered for years to come.

All these people are doing is making a mockery of those who truly do suffer from mental illness, making their lives that much more miserable, making them appear as the butt of a really bad joke, and making treating them effectively nearly impossible.

Raising awareness: Deafness

There are many types and causes of deafness. It may be hereditary (genetic), congenital, or acquired; prelingual (before learning spoken language) or postlingual (after). It can be caused by viruses or other infections, medications, genetic defects, or as part of the aging process. Sometimes it is idiopathic, meaning it happens for no reason at all (that can be determined).

I am a Hearing woman married to a Deaf man, and between us we have Hearing, Hard of Hearing, and Deaf children. Ours is a special world, filled with an amazing array of sights and sounds, thoughts and feelings, playfulness and pain. Interactions with the world outside our comfortable circle often leave the impression that few have adequate or accurate knowledge regarding this physical trait, frequently subjected to varying degrees of misinformation. After all, it IS a hearing world and deafness is different, something to be feared, avoided, or corrected; many of us, having had a full range of special senses throughout our lives, have a difficult time imagining living in a world of silence and what may be missed or lost (hearing your child's first spoken words, first cries, first giggles).

A number of times while in public with my children, we have been approached by kindly (usually elderly) strangers telling my son how cute he is and how beautiful his curls are, asking him how old he is, or just chattering away at him as one normally would do with an adorable toddler. He does not respond, and a quizzical look comes over the stranger's face. He just stares, a look of confusion shot in my direction. I tell my son what has been said and he flashes a 1000-watt smile, and that stranger almost always backs away a step or two. "He is Deaf," I explain; 99 times out of 100, I hear in response "I'm so sorry. Can't they fix that?"

My son is Deaf, not "broken." He does not need to be "fixed." He is capable of communicating his needs and wants, albeit in a language many people do not know. My son "speaks" American Sign Language (ASL). How he handles his communication with the outside world will vary with time, life-altering decisions reserved for when he is old enough to express his own intents and desires (i.e., cochlear implant, lip-reading, speaking, signing, etc.) and he will be exposed to and allowed to explore all of his options, in order to make an informed decision.

Another common myth I have encountered is that "deaf = retarded." Not all Deaf are mentally handicapped and not all MH are deaf; therefore, they do not equate. Most Deaf have normally functioning minds and bodies, the only difference between "them" and "us" being that they do not hear and use a different language to communicate. They go to school, drive, and even use a telephone - all the things hearing people do; they attend and participate in theater, concerts, and motorcycle rallies; they become teachers, lawyers, and doctors, and one was even a famous composer; they have families and lead "normal" lives.

Not all Deaf can read lips or converse in spoken English, but not all Deaf are mute. Hearing aids and cochlear implants are not a "cure" for deafness. Many Deaf do not consider this trait a "disability," rather a "difference." For many, being Deaf is part of their identity, with an entire Deaf "culture" (community), and it is sometimes difficult for a hearing person to gain acceptance into that circle.

Significant barriers stand between "Hearies" and "Deafies," when there is a lack of knowledge of and about ASL, further separating them from the hearing world in both communication and acceptance; this occurs on both sides. I often hear "I always wanted to learn to sign," yet when an offer is extended to teach it (for free), 500 excuses are returned as to why that offer cannot be accepted. I find this not only frustrating but irritating. IF YOU DO NOT MEAN IT, DO NOT SAY IT.

My goal is to raise awareness in the hearing community, to bring down barriers separating our worlds so they will feel more comfortable in ours and, in turn, more willingly accept us into theirs.

ASL is a graceful language with its own grammar and syntax, its own structure and form, and an amazing experience to see and to participate in a conversation with ASL. It is a visual symphony, melodies in motion, and after having seen and felt it, your whole body sings its rhythms.

For a glossary of terms related to deafness, please see MedicineNet.com.

Complaints Department

Welcome to the complaints department. Please take a number. A customer service representative will be available to assist you shortly.

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Thank you for your patience....

Due to higher-than-average volume of complaints at the current time, your estimated wait time to speak to a representative is....

When Hillary Clinton is elected to the Oval Office.

Funny Fotos

The many faces of Hillary.... and George:

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What is the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
Snow balls.
But what about snow shit?

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Sometimes there are things you just know you should not touch but cannot help yourself....

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Even *MY* balls are not big enough to address this one.

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Now you can follow directions willingly and blindly, just like the government wants:

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Cats are people, too!

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It has really been one of THOSE days....

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This is just wrong on so many levels.

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Can you guess what that is (no, not the cigarette)?

Golden Rule

Purpose:
This is my personal soapbox; hence, the URL. Others may read or not, as they choose; all are welcome, none forced to stay (or, more specifically, to return). This site does not generate an income, advertise any product, or attempt to elicit sympathy; it is a virtual "litter box" in which to deposit bits of psychological diarrhea. Period.

Opinions expressed here are mine alone. I neither ask nor expect anyone to subscribe to them, only to respect the fact that they are mine, about a particular subject that happened to be on my mind at a given point in time. There is no requirement for agreement with (or even to like) what I say.

I am acutely aware that my skills of self-expression are rapidly deteriorating and that at times I say things that seem confusing (or conflicting, completely asinine, or downright mean, hurtful and hateful) as encountered by the world outside my head. The "why" of this is simple yet complex, really quite fascinating, and on progressively deepening levels ever more frustrating and disturbing. If in doubt about something I have (perhaps inadequately) said, do not hesitate to ask for clarification. I will not be offended and will gladly try my best to explain - so long as you ask and do not just presume. Afterward, we can go on to deciding whether or not you still think me an asshole.

I am neither rigid nor inflexible. I enjoy hearing differing points of view. I eagerly accept constructive criticism, feedback, and suggestions. I thrive on challenges encouraging me to think before signing on the dotted line. While my personal beliefs system is "black and white," I understand that Life brings to each of us various shades of gray; I am driven to see them all. My goal is not to "convert" anyone whose views oppose my own (although I admit to a bit of personal satisfaction when they have heard me out, acknowledged my viewpoint, and given credence to what I have said), yet neither is it to submit to intolerance, browbeating, or regurgitation of nonsensical.... nonsense.... or obfuscation - and I will not be sampling the Kool-Aid, thank you very much.

Sometimes my thoughts on a subject are not those of tomorrow.... or the next day. What works for me.... may not work for you - and the other way around. I cannot walk a mile in your shoes, and you need not attempt to walk in mine. We may not see eye to eye, but that is no reason to stop listening to each other. So:
~~Listen beyond merely hearing, and sometimes my nonsense makes sense.
~~Visualize beyond merely seeing, and other dimensions will become apparent.
~~Contemplate wisdom beyond merely thinking, and the truth will reveal itself.

Terms of Service/Copyright Information:
Unless indicated/attributed otherwise, these writings are my own original work and subject to copyright protection. User-generated content (i.e., comments) will be moderated; remember, this is not a Free Speech Zone. Further, I reserve license related to ALL content posted herein and, more specifically, have no duty to modify/withdraw posts or comments but may do so should I choose (in other words, by posting comments, etc., on this site, you are expressly agreeing to share license to said material, that I may moderate, edit, delete, or leave as is, at my discretion).

Notice/Disclaimer:
Despite pretty packaging and "eloquent rhetoric," a foul mouth lies beneath it all. If you find this offensive, if you cannot ignore it or do not like it, or if I just piss you off in general, remember: That is why God invented the "BACK" button on your browser....

Do not be afraid to use it.

Just Who The Hell Do I Think I Am?

In a word, I am an ASSHOLE. Plain and simple.
Deal with it, or move along - nothing to see here.

I am first and foremost a mother of 4 plus 2 plus 2,
~~The Hearing wife of a Deaf man and
~~The mother of Deaf,
~~~~Hearing, and
~~~~Hard of Hearing children and stepchildren.
Adoring the magic of the world as seen through the eyes of a child,
~~Seeking a gateway through a wall of thunderous silence.

I am a workaholic,
~~A daydreamer and believer, a visionary schemer;
~~A tender heart wrapped within skepticism and criticism,
~~A glutton for knowledge with a pathological urge to analyze every detail,
~~A poet, a curiosity freak, and a history buff,
~~An armchair pundit with great big opinions.

My spare time is spent learning the hard way about
~~Multiple sclerosis and paralysis, crushing fatigue, and
~~The insidious destruction of a complex personality,
~~Dealing with life from within the confines of the shell left behind;
~~~~Finding inner peace, personal salvation, and
~~~~Facing death and defeat but not going down without a fight, a smile on my face.

Just a glimpse into the inner workings of who and what I am.

Other Stuff

You can find some more of my handiwork here:

Mainlining Mountain Dew

Food For Thought

Child Abuse and Neglect Awareness

Other places I show my right-wing extremist views:

We The People

Right in a Left World